STUDIO: First Look
MSRP: $19.98
RUNNING TIME: 87 minutes
Immortal Theatrical Trailers
30-Minute Making of Featurette

The Pitch

The French discovered Movie Maker on their computer.

The Humans

Thomas Kretschmann, Linda Hardy, Charlotte Rampling

The Nutshell

New York City in 2095 is pretty crazy. A floating pyramid has appeared in the sky over Manhattan. Horus gets thrown out of the pyramid and into the Big Apple. He’s got seven days to find a human host or die. Honestly, I liked it a lot better when the film was called The Muppets Take Manhattan. Nothing says compelling like a recent college grad trying to stage a Broadway show with his slacker animal friends. The only animal in this flick is ol’ hawk-head pictured below.

It’s like the album cover for some long-forgotten Emerson, Lake and Palmer CD.

The Lowdown

Immortal follows the adventures of a wandering Egyptian God that wants to remain immortal. Horus needs to find a male host in the next few days, so that he can impregnate a woman and continue his lineage. The problem is that he finds a blue-haired freak that happens to be a three month old alien. But, a strange man is giving her pills that will turn her human. I thought smoking a little crack might help me to process the film, but no dice.

Here’s a screenshot from Capcom’s upcoming XBLA release Plaque Attack HD.

Thomas Kretschmann plays the man that the Egyptian God Horus wants to possess. Krestchmann is a freedom fight released early from cryogenic prison. He’s got to fight off two crazy looking beasts, so that he can get up in the weird chick’s guts. Charlotte Ramplings plays the crazy alien’s chick OB/GYN of sorts. But, nobody really slows down to spell everything out. The entire film plays like Moebius took a dump on a piece of Spin Art.

It’s like Bjork took a shit in the Twilight Zone.

Much has been made of the rather odd game of Monopoly being played by the other Egyptian Gods while the main action takes place. But, that seems a little dumb. Well, the entire film seems pretty fucking dumb. I know that there’s going to some fucking prick that comes out of the woodwork to bitch and moan about how I didn’t get the significance of Charlotte Rampling scratching her ass. When you concentrate on trying to wow the fringes of audience with spectacle and no purpose, you’re going to fail. So, remember that when you’re toking up and filming your buddies getting smacked in the nuts with a 2 by 4.

Immortal might mean something to the Euro-centric folk that have followed the property from its graphic novel origins to the big screen. But, all I see is a giant single colored turd that tries to show off the latest in digital gadgetry. Fuck that noise and fuck anyone that tries to make sense of this mess. If it weren’t for the amazing audio track, I’d knock the film down a few more rungs. But, the verdict stands below.

Edgar Wright’s MySpace pics just keep getting weirder.

The Package

Immortal comes
with a rather half-assed release. The A/V Quality is amazing for a smaller film release. The picture quality still maintains that monochromatic color scheme similar to how Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow made its way to High-Definition. But, the Dolby True HD 5.1 track is reference quality. Sure, there’s weird shit plastered all over the screen. Yet, the workout given to the soundstage in your home theater is amazing.

The special features are rather weak. You get some international trailers and First Look previews. Throw on a 30 minute EPK featurette and nothing really impresses on the supplemental front. So, make of that what you will. I recommend skipping the affair.

I fucking give up trying to explain this shit.

2.0 out of 10