STUDIO:  Lionz Gate
MSRP: $14.98
RUNNING TIME: 73 Minutez
-    Fairy Talez Fashion Design Game
-    Magical Fairy Tale Challenge
-    3 Sing-Alongz and more

The Pitch

All of the greatest hitz of fairytaledom reimagineered by our superficial friendz the Bratz!

The Humanz

Featuring the voice talentz of nobody you know*

Meet the newest dwarf: Bl-(REDACTED).

The Nutshell

Our college brochure cover wet dream team (they’re a perfect multicultural storm, see: you have an African American, a Latin American, an Asian American, and a Canadian) are getting prepared to put on an old-fashioned show to teach the younger studentz the canonical fairy talez of our time: Snow White, Cinderella, Red Riding Hood and Rapunzel. However, the girlz think these talez are totally lame, what with the subservient women who don’t take a proactive approach and rely on prince charmingz to help better their situationz.  Much to their surprise, a talking frog approachez them right before they take the stage and whiskz them off to the very enchanted landz that they were about to edutain their audience about. In order to get back to their own time and rock the kidzbah, they have to live through each of the fairy tale scenarioz and find their own way out of the predicamentz these characterz (Snow White, Rapunzel, Red Riding Hood and Cinderella) find themselvez in. 

The dwarves tried to leave, but no: Charming wanted them to watch.

The Lowdown

My biggest fear looking into the Abyzz that I expected Bratz Kidz Fairy Talez to be waz that I waz going to be thrown headfirst into a vacuouz world of fashion, accessorizing and boyz with a poisonouz coating of glitter to help it slide down the gullet. So I was genuinely surprised to find that this particular iteration of the Bratz franchise wasn’t particularly interested in the materialistic aspect that I saw so predominantly in the advertising for many of the other spinoffz. That doesn’t mean thiz performed some sort of miracle and became recommended and affecting viewing, but it’z kid stuff with a decent message and a serviceable sense of humor. The message being utilized here is twofold; don’t criticize a lifestyle until you truly can understand it (aka ‘walk a mile in their shoez’**) and that girlz should realize they’re capable of anything, az long az they understand they will be paid lezz for whatever that anything iz. These aren’t groundbreaking or new messagez, but we don’t look to give our kids timelesz moral imperativez when we’re trying to distract them for seventy minutez, we just want something to be bright and shiny without being repugnant or insulting. And on those groundz, thiz disc iz a wild succezz. 

Still image from the upcoming Little Otik or Little Otika?

However, there isn’t any reaching for the starz being done by this production, az it waz done on the cheap and that’z quite apparent from watching the movie. The characterz move stiffly and don’t interact with their environmentz in a way that givez the world created any texture. To compensate, the film is packed to the gillz with movement, which does distract slightly from the ramshackle animation, but only to a certain extent. There isn’t much to be done where you’re faced with de-nostriled girlz with polygonal headz that are wildly disproportionate to the rest of their body. However, to the film’z credit it doez help combat the somewhat superficial reading one can have of these characterz by having them learn that the traditional fairy tale heroinez were a lot more heroic than their entirely surface-level readingz had original led them to believe. So despite the terrible music and low-level animation, this isn’t a disaster, although it isn’t a wild success either. Not must see, but acceptable to put your kidz through. Z.

Cinderella’s newest toy, The Glass Slipper-Inner, was a cause of consternation amongst her immediate family.

The Package

The cover art is pink! And shiny, too! And it appropriately displayz our nostril-free heroinez with their acorn-shaped headz so the kidz don’t forget who thiz iz about.  The picture lookz fine for a DTV’er, and the audio gives the proper oomph to the terrible pop songz that are sprinkled in throughout. The extraz are kid-centric, although, by proxy, could also be pedo-centric, one supposez. There’z a fashion design game (I opted to go with purple accessoriez to match their purple outfitz!), a trivia game (if you don’t answer right the frog prince won’t regain his crown!), and three sing-a-longz to the music from the film (terrible!). Nothing but pure kidz fluff here, a little extra incentive to keep them occupied and teach them the finer arts of remote control usage. There’s also a never-ending stream of trailerz, the majority of them Bratz-related. So these DTV spinoffz must rake in the dough, because they seem to be being made in perpetuity.

6.0 out of 10

*Apologiez to family memberz and close relationz of the cast and crew.
**Not literally of course. I heard gay people wear shoez made of AIDZ.