If Megatron or any of the other transformers characters looked like a transformer instead of like a bunch of old computer parts thrown together and animated. I mean, if it was Junk-gar or whatever the motorcyle guy from the junk world who John Moshitta, Jr. voiced in the animated movie it would be one thing, but seriously, the characters in the movie just look fucking stupid.
Yes, O’ great and horrendous legion of Trans-fans I said it – the movie characters look like a bunch of whirling junk and the first movie straight up sucked. I mean, I knew what I was getting in for, but really? Why did I have to see John Toturo reduced to such an embarrassing role?* And the constant excursions into ABC TGIF-era comedy was just terrible – Optimus saying ‘My bad’. Wow, how delightfully modern and quirky!** But as bad as the first transformers movie was I said when I left the theatre and have been saying until recently that I am a sucker for things from my childhood finally reaching the big screen so of course I’ll see the sequels (because oh yes, there will be more). I’ll sit and roll my eyes over and over again like that first one but technology has finally made it possible to see the transformers, or at least hulking, spinning metallic shapes that Michael Bay claims to be the transformers in a live action movie and so damnit, I’ll hate it but I’ll see it.
That was until I watched the trailer for Revenge of the Fallen. In the most sincere, heartfelt burst of salutation I can muster I quote Kenny (or ‘Bud’) from the Cosby show and I say unto this movie:
Phethewwwwwwwww!!!
I would not have thought it possible but this 60 second clip of the newest chapter in the war between the Autobots and Decepticons is so chock full of absolute bullshit-ass flubberwoggy that I think I have been 100% desensitized to the idea of sitting through any other transformer movie that comes out associated with the current Bay-helmed franchise. Seriously, the ABC humor simply ABOUNDS in this smattering of images and scenarios. Spike giving ‘B’ the talk about college? Long distance relationships? College pressures? Is this the truth about cats and fucking dogs or is this the transformers? I find it fascinating that Bay and company have so neutured the transformers that I feel like 5th grade Shawn got the most bad ass version of the characters when Megatron (for the last fucking time HE IS A FUCKING GUN!!! Not a tank, a truck, a bird, dinosaur or nifty 50’s era table lamp A GUN! A GUN! A GUUUUUUUUU-UUNNNN!!!) stormed the Arc and killed all those autobots or the blue and red truck guy said Damnit later in the flick.
And Toturo is back! Arrgghhh!
Thanks M.B. – tease us with our childhood’s desires and then throw shit in our faces and expect us to lap it up like cold tahini.
Bastard.
………….
* Which he would later upstage (or downstage depending on how you look at it) in another piece of shit, Zoloft the Hairdresser that Bangs Old Ladies!
** Lilted in a voice that approximates Thurston Howell the third. Yes! I am a store house of useless 80’s tv knowledge.