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STUDIO: Lions Gate
MSRP: $29.95
RATED:
NR
RUNNING TIME: 88 Minutes
SPECIAL FEATURES:

  • 2 stupid sing-along segments.
  • Cast & Crew Commentary.
  • 6 awful featurettes of varying disgust.

The Pitch

The creatively retarded minds that concocted Date Movie, Epic Movie and Meet The Spartans crawl from their abode in the bowels of Hell to torment the mortal beings that populate this realm: us (well, mainly me because I had to sit through this pounding). This time they decide to turn their monstrous gaze towards the disaster movie genre by crafting their own disaster movie, as well as reminding everyone how obscenely unfunny and untalented everyone involved are.

The Humans

Hark, know thy enemy!

Directed by: Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer.

Written by: Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer.

Starring: Matt Lanter, Vanessa Minnillo, Gary “G-Thang” Johnson, Nicole Parker, Crista Flanagan, Kim Kardashian, Ike Barinholtz, Carmen Electra and Tony Cox.



From the Ray Charles Line of costume designs.

The Nutshell

There is no way in hell movies like this should take longer than 11 minutes to write (or exist for that matter). The way I see it, Friedberg and Seltzer write the names of every movie they’ve seen within the last year or so, throw them into the massive black cauldron they use, and then pluck about 15-20 of them out of the bubbling brew, after which they place them into a Microsoft Word file, print, mail to Lions Gate for approval (which they get, mind you), make the movie in roughly 4 days and then cash their checks before returning to the 4th Void, wherein they reside.

Here’s basically what this fiasco is about; a bunch of college kids (our nation’s finest minds) try to figure out why every natural disaster is occurring at the same time. Along the way they manage to badly spoof every movie in history, while proving to the world that Lucifer does indeed exist.



Only this movie could waste a pointing midget.


The Lowdown

This movie will destroy your self respect. The very fact that you took the time to sit down and watch this may mean you never had any in the first place. Perhaps Meet the Spartans was responsible for eroding what little you had, or maybe it was Date Movie?

No matter the case the simple fact is you are a fool if you see this movie. The jokes are excruciatingly flat, the girls look like they recently had a ride in the Bang Bus, the music is beyond the land of blandness, the writing childish in the extreme, and the effects look as though they were crafted by Slithis. Once you’ve seen any portion of this, you will have been touched – and not in the good way.



 The film makers count down to release day.

I suppose you can blame the Zucker/Abrahams team for this theatrical offspring. If it weren’t for their successes, we wouldn’t have creative failures like this, along with everything else Friedberg and Seltzer have ever ruined. Whereas Zucker/Abrahams were able to make their jokes flow more naturally, these goons seem to just throw whatever comes to their empty heads down onto the paper. I would be extremely shocked and appalled if there was ever one re-write done for Disaster Movie. If you’re looking for anything good here, you’re looking in the wrong place.

There are Amy Winehouse jokes, burp jokes, shit jokes (a redundancy, I realize), lactation jokes, naked men jokes, and not one of them the least bit amusing. Honestly, Friedberg and Seltzer should be brought up on war crimes for putting something like this out. If they had called it Pooping With Satan instead, then perhaps that would help explain why this film will sit heavy upon your soul were you to view it in its entirety.



Viewing the dailies.

In case you were wondering which films get raped, here’s a short list of the notable ones:

-Juno. One of the lead characters, Juney, is a direct parody of the award winning film. As with everything else it is a comedic disaster.
-Enchanted. Another main character, this one is a breakdancing singing princess who is every bit as annoying as the real Enchanted princess. I hate everything about this.
-Jumper. There’s an entire sequence where some of the leads disappear all over the place. For the first time ever I wished that I was really watching the Hayden Christensen movie instead.
- High School Musical. There’s a number near the beginning that lasts about 3 days, spoofing those goofy bastards from HSM. I think a Jonas Brothers joke is also in there somewhere, but I didn’t have nerve to look for it.
- Dr. Phil. This guy needs to die. Not just the spoof character that seems to be in just about every so-called comedy these days (the upcoming Madea Goes To Jail being the latest offender), but the real Dr. Phil. He, of course, has to be an emissary from some dark region.
- Superheroes. Iron Man, The Hulk, Batman, Hellboy, even Hancock, they’re all here and they all completely suck. Most of them die by asteroid death.

I’ve had it. I can’t take any more of this awfulness. Friedberg and Seltzer have discovered my vulnerability and exploited it by making this hell-movie. There’s no other reason this thing should exist, so I’m convinced it was personal, some way for them to assault my strong mental barrier. By putting together roughly 9,000 random in-jokes and pop culture references they finally were able to develop perfect the Anti-Steve potion they were working on with Date Movie, Epic Movie and Meet the Spartans. Well they did it. Fourth time’s the charm.

I am defeated.

The Package

The list price on this disc is $30! I want you to contemplate that on the Tree of Woe: $30. Lions Gate has the nerve to ask for that much for this trash.

Like the movie itself, all of the features on this disc are impossibly mind numbing in their shittiness. The cast & crew commentary will make you want to send your TV to a concentration camp, and I don’t even want to get into the sing-along segments, which are every bit as insane as you would expect.

I suppose the target audience for this wretch was 8 or 9 year old boys, because it is a grin-less, laugh-less mess of theatrical vomit, with music and actors roaming around in it. Actually, I think I might have enjoyed that more than this bomb.

I am now going to bury my copy of this in the backyard, but first I’m going to lop off the cover lest it come back and torment me further. This movie belongs in an icy grave.



-15 out of 10