What follows is an email I received from Electronic Arts this afternoon after playing a little game called Lottso!
on the Pogo.com game service, a place I often visit to decompress and
play Scrabble and Monopoly (almost as vital as oxygen to me but only
played with good friends for strangers are the worst). It would be fine
as a great diversion aside from the fact I simply cannot suffer the
fools (discussed to an extent here)
in the chat bar on each page. It’s an example of the very worst
bullshit the internet has to offer and I simply cannot let these grown
up people [seriously, this has to be housewives, out of work folks, old
people, and people abusing their time at work] use the English language
the way they do without repercussions.

So
I have some fun. Typically I try to coerce them from using emoticons.
Then I try to get them to use complete sentences. Then I try to have
them engage in normal discussion or not at all.

I fail miserably.

These
people are close-minded, low in intellect, and all about circling their
wagons against interlopers like me who want to break their stupid
little mold.

Today
I said “I love you, whore!” in a room. Mind you, the word whore looked
like ^$%#^ but I did use that word. One you can hear on any channel on
the dial and one that if you screamed it in church would have the
congregation staring at Mrs. Kelly, the woman everyone knows takes the
neighborhood sperm count to task every week.

The LOL’rs did not like my sentence. The evidence to follow:

Dear  nicknunziata,



Your Electronic Arts Pogo account has been issued a warning for violating the Terms of Service for Electronic Arts Online.




Violation: Use of inappropriate language


Transmit or facilitate distribution of Content that is harmful,
abusive, racially or ethnically offensive, vulgar, sexually explicit,
defamatory, infringing, invasive of personal privacy or publicity
rights, or in a reasonable person’s view, objectionable. Hate speech is
not tolerated.




Chat Log:


nicknunziata  18:24:30 I love you, whore!






You can read the Terms of Service for Electronic Arts Online by going to the following web address.




http://www.ea.com/global/legal/tos.jsp



If you feel that this warning is unwarranted, or if you wish to dispute
the claims of this email, please submit a dispute form by using the
following link:  
http://support.ea.com/cgi-bin/ea.cfg/php/enduser/terminated_form.php.



The Electronic Arts support team is available at
http://support.ea.com
should you have any general questions or concerns about the rule or its
enforcement in the game, as we feel it is important to understand the
rule completely before returning to the game world.




Sincerely,


Customer Support


Electronic Arts, Inc.




EA.com Customer Relations


This happened!

I said “I love you, whore!” and had my PAID membership threatened by Electronic Arts.

Because some cunt in Provo, Utah had her lottery game not interrupted at all by a stranger whose hieroglyphic censored text didn’t really offended her at all. These people wield their ability to tattletale like Mjolnir and it makes me wonder if I could turn the tables on these people.

I
mean, I’d love to be able to find their real names, locate them, visit
them, beat them, and then cut their internet cable off and force them
outdoors. In lieu of that I wonder if I too could complain to Big
Brother about their sullying of human communication. Of their
disability to adapt. Of their overvalue of an online lottery game to
the point where they form LEAGUES and keep track of their scores.

These
people threaten the Earth and all her charms. These people make the
2012 Doomsday predictions a sweet science I hope comes true. These
people are like fat, poorly dressed Al-Qaeda members except they have
the power not only to ambush us as we live in peace but also organize
PTA meetings.

WWIII
will not happen at sea, the sky, or in trenches. It is already being
fought in suburbia by ignorant, misguided fools with too much free time
on their hands.

Gotta go. Scrabble’s calling.