Some folks have linked to various places where the new potty-mouthed, sex-crazed, and violent as hell teaser trailer for Crank 2: High Voltage can be seen, many of which load slower than Jessica Tandy’s footspeed [band name!], so I’ll point you right here at FirstShowing.net where it loads crisp and clear and phenomenally.

IT IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK
(Unless you work at Fuckhouse Johnny’s Adult Novelties & CapriSun Warehouse)


The bottom line is that Crank is one of life’s sublime pleasures and this sequel looks to be upping the ante in every aspect except subtlety. It instantly gets me jazzed for 2009, because any year where Amy Smart is publicly manhammered onscreen is a good one. What an adorable elf she is!

The ‘ripped from the headlines’ story centers on our hero (Jason Statham) recovering from his helicopter plummet just fine thank you, who escapes from the operating table before just losing his penisflesh, and his quest to exact more justice, all the while having to keep his artificial heart supercharged with go-juice lest he perist. In other words, the best plot of all time. Just watch the damn trailer. Then comment here on our message boards and move on with your year-end festivities.

Crank 2: High Voltage also may answer one of humankind’s most pressing and controversial questions:

“Is Doc Miles gonna have to choke a bitch?”

Dwight Yoakam is so much better than us it isn’t even funny.