What
follows is a scattershot bit of random thoughts, links, and images that
showcase the lunacy that exists in the entertainment world and beyond.
Folks who remember my old missives from the old Steady Leak articles
should find this kind of stuff familiar. Folks seemed to get a kick out
of the first installment, and each Wednesday should fall victim to
another installment. Don’t expect anything deep here but something may
tickle your fancy.
1. Like Pop Rocks, but with more intestinal bleeding.
Can you imagine the kind of person you have to be to make the effort to not only get a license plate proclaiming your love for one of the truly crappiest bands [in 1990 I had to edit a segment for my high school’s video annual to the grating holocaust ‘Kickstart My Heart’] from a musical genre filled with crap bands but to do it while living in Alabama BY CHOICE? Holy fuck, the driver of this car needs a sinkhole to claim him before his sperm accidentally finds a female egg in the shady spot next to the dumpster behind the roller rink.
2. Denim Dad cremated. Jordaches spread at sea.
Photo by Chris McKinley.
In all fairness, it’s the family strap-on that keeps me awake at night.
3. The difference between the driver of this car and a road homicide is that I haven’t found him yet.
Photo by Dan Vinton.
This is a real sticker that a real human being put on their real vehicle. Does this scare you at all?
FYI: Seen on a Ford Festiva in Silicon Valley: The Difference Between Bin Laden and a Bin Hex File is a Couple of Lines of Code.
4. Churchies, don’t travel in groups or you’ll be Left Behind!
Photo by Eric Calkins.
Remember the Pilate episode of CSI?
5. So, basically it’s the Bible.
Photo by John Makarewicz.
I’m actually quite scared that someone chose Hipster Frankenstein as their mascot.
6. It’s always special when two men fall in clove.
Photo by Kjel Johnson.
It’s a shame that “It even tastes great… straight”, is already the slogan for something else. Holy Land Garlicy Homos is good, but I think it’s safe to say that we all agree that it pales in comparison to Holy Land’s boutique blend, Tomato Basil Lesbian Spread.
7. Squidpirate’s Blueberry Dick Will Spoil Your Weekend!
Photo by Marc Pilvinsky.
“Where’s your kid, Sally?”
8. Double Intravenous Explosion, Double Vaginal Anal?
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
There are some message board members who want to DIVEDVA.
9. “This Nurachi’s a really small child…”
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
This warning exists because some parent shoved their child into this tiny mesh sac on the back of an already tiny malformed stroller at Georgia’s own private Ass/Mall, Discover Mills. I’m both aghast and proud that this happened. I wish I could have been there when it happened for I would have clapped like a Special Olympian and then I would have reached into my change purse and handed the woman a shiny new Susan B. Smith dollar.
10. “I drunk it and now all I do is stand dry at the toilet!”
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
If you look at the subheading it looks like it says “For Peter People Accidents”, which is also true. It makes me proud to be an American to know there are products with urine in the title. Here’s hoping this paves the way for my pending patents for Peter Pan Penis Butter, Peep Soap, and Urine Loops frosted cereal.
11. I have seen more enthusiasm at a child wake.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
Rosie O’Donnell: “Let me know when you’re about to take th… you fucker!”
This is one of the most lackadasical products I’ve seen in this incredible rogue’s adventure of a life I’m leading over here. The kids look like they’d rather be at Chuck E. Cheese’s with Brian Peppers and Rosie O’Donnell’s got the telltale signs of earlypoops on her face in the photo.
Then again, anyone who plans their craftmaking time around a Rosie O’Donnell product needs to have their head examined. In a different room than their body.
12. Burgers so good that you’ll abandon adding a definite article to sentences!
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
Eric Roberts is their only client. Well, since Chris Penn became unavailable for comment.
13. They used the same mold from the “Grow Your Own Invalid Whore” toy.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
Typically I’m a sucker for things that inexplicably grow 600% but this just makes parts of me sad that I didn’t even know had sadness glands.
14. 9 out of 10 customers prefer Cock Cooler over the leading competitor (Mr. Prickk).
Photo by Rafael Coelho.
I’ll be honest, I’ll take a guy downing a six-pack of Cock over Bud Lite any day. It takes a real man to drink Cock.
15. Dad grew up in Flushing.
Photo by Rowan Sharp.
This is actually a placeholder sign. They’re finishing one that accounts for a little more variety of client. Once the Toilets/Parents/Chair/Barbarian/Meerkat/Poltergeist sign’s up, there will be no mysteries about who pisses where and why and how awesome.
14. It keeps one safe as it rubs the lotion on its skin.
Photo by Rafael Coelho.
I love it when someone puts the sign machine on RANDOM. I remember the day I was on the porch of this Cajun restaurant I frequent under the sign that read: Thank You For Not Cloud.
By the way:
“My foot fell asleep and is having nightmare!”