It’s
the holidays and we’re feeling it even here in the Sewer. This year
we’re taking stock of the many gifts we’ve gotten from the movies over
the years and celebrating them in the form of a Christmas carol. In our
own special way.
While the traditional 12 Days of Christmas
counts up from one, we think it’s more fun to count down between now
and the big day (and yeah, we built in some slack for ourselves). So
sit back and get ready for some great moments from some great CHUD
favorites, and some possible holiday gift ideas while we’re at it.
On the ninth day til Christmas my true CHUD sent to me…
Nine Warriors meeting
Can you dig it?
Before things got hairy for The Warriors, this gang from Coney Island
headed to the big gang meet-up with their nine original members. At
this holiday time let’s remember these nine brave, subway-illiterate
bangers:
Cleon: The leader of The Warriors. A proud black brother, he wears a
piece of upholstery on his head. Cleon isn’t long for the film; as soon
as Cyrus is assassinated, Cleon is overwhelmed by foes and killed.
Swan: The War Chief. Kind of a pretty boy, but also the smartest and
most level-headed of The Warriors. After Cleon’s death Swan assumes
command of the gang, and rather than having them take off their
identifying colors, he has them proudly fight their way through enemy
territory until returning to Coney.
Ajax: The horndog. Ajax is all id and no thoughts. He just wants to
fight and fuck. He gets taken out when he playfully attempts to rape
Mercedes Ruehl, who happens to be an undercover cop. Ignominious defeat!
Fox: The scout. He’s fast and observant. Unfortunately he wasn’t
popular with director Walter Hill; the original script had Fox going
off at the end with Mercy, the girl they pick up in Orphans territory,
but Hill decided to have Fox killed by a speeding train instead,
requiring a rewrite of the whole script. That’s balls to the wall
filmmaking.
Vermin: A big, dumb Italian. He’s the kind of guy who blithely leads his homeboys into a trap set by a killer lesbian gang.
Cochise: Is there any doubt that The Sugarhill Gang’s Apache is
completely influenced by this Warrior, who is rocking the Indian
headdress and armor?
Snow: The good news about Snow is that if he sits in front of you in a
movie theater he probably won’t talk during the film. Brother is
taciturn. The bad news is that he has a ridiculous huge afro that will
block the whole screen, and if you say anything to him about it, he’ll
likely beat your ass down with the quickness.
Cowboy: The most ludicrous of all the Warriors. I’ve seen this movie a
hundred times and, aside from his cowboy hat and shirt, I’m
hard-pressed to come up with much that sets Cowboy apart from anybody
else.
Rembrandt: The newest Warrior and their graffiti tag specialist.
Battling his way through the city really makes this kid grow up fast.
If you’ve never seen this amazing movie – the best film ever made about
New York City, in my opinion, despite being set in a fantasy version of
New York City – skip the ‘Director’s Cut,’ which ruins many of the best
scenes, adds an extraneous intro and lays comic book panels over scene
transitions. Rarely has a ‘Director’s Cut’ fucked up a movie this
badly. Click here to try and get a used copy of the original cut.
Have a Warriors fan in your life (or want to get a gift for a Warriors
loving web writer)? Check out this site, where you can buy a great
looking Warriors vest. I should be rocking one of those everytime I go
to Starbucks, just to show everybody how down I am.