Awards shows are more fun to dissect, bicker and complain about than they are to actively watch. The pageantry and the self-importance isn’t nearly as interesting as the discussion around the winners and losers is. So, I decided to do my first ever awards show commentary without actually watching the awards show. Who cares about the faux pas and the stupid speeches? Let’s just talk about throwing movies into the Thunderdome and making them duke it out!

Here’s my color-coded breakdown: urine yellow for the winner, swanky blue for my personal pick (if I have a dog in the fight. Sometimes, I just don’t), and CHUD green if both of those happened to magically align. I’ll offer whatever little thoughts I have on each category. Let’s do this.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television

Maura Tierney, The Affair
Regina King, American Crime
Joanne Froggatt, Downton Abbey
Uzo Aduba, Orange is the New Black
Judith Light, Transparent

He Who Chews Behind the Boards called this one. I haven’t seen any of these shows, but I do have a bizarre crush on Dominic West, so maybe I need to rectify that.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in any Motion Picture

Kate Winslet, Steve Jobs
Jennifer Jason Leigh, The Hateful Eight
Helen Mirren, Trumbo
Jane Fonda, Youth
Alicia Vikander, Ex Machina

I would have been happy with Vikander or Leigh taking this one as they both get to play roles that aren’t typical for female performers, but Vikander inches by on pure breakout power. Haven’t seen Steve Jobs but I hear I’m not missing much. Anyone want to chime in against/supporting my unfounded belief that Winslet is doing a typical Oscar bait performance?

Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series-Musical or Comedy

Rachel Bloom, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
Lily Tomlin, Grace and Frankie
Gina Rodriguez, Jane The Virgin
Jamie Lee Curtis, Scream Queens
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep

Another instance where I haven’t seen any of these, but The CHUD Show co-host and all-around dapper bastard Justin Waddell was very enthusiastic about Crazy Ex-Girlfriend when we were making our Best TV of 2015 list, even though it didn’t make the democratic cut.

Best Television Series-Musical or Comedy

Mozart in the Jungle
Orange is the New Black
Silicon Valley

So, I guess there’s a show called Mozart in the Jungle? That’s the only show on this list that I haven’t at least heard of, so its win is a big deflation, especially after an excellent second season for Silicon Valley. Never thought it had a chance, but I’m glad it’s still getting some recognition.

Best Television Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television

Wolf Hall
American Crime
American Horror Story: Hotel
Flesh & Bone

Yet another instance of me never hearing about the winning show. Is it about a private school filled with werewolves? No? Not interested. Big shame that Fargo lost as its undoubtedly one of the most experimental and excellent pieces of television to spring out of last year.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Limited Series or a Motion Picture Made for Television

Oscar Isaac, Show Me a Hero
Patrick Wilson, Fargo
Idris Elba, Luther
David Oyelowo, Nightingale
Mark Rylance, Wolf Hall

Oh yeah, Poe Dameron was in a show this year that nobody talked about. Sorry, Nite Owl. Better luck next time.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television

Christian Slater, Mr. Robot
Ben Mendelsohn, Bloodline
Tobias Menzies, Outlander
Alan Cumming, The Good Wife
Damian Lewis, Wolf Hall

Another instance of me taking a backseat to my ignorance, but no show has been recommended to me by more people than Mr. Robot. Gotta set aside some time for a binge party (the attendees will be myself, my cat Stella, and my roommate Bourbon Whiskey).

Best Original Score-Motion Picture

Ennio Morricone, The Hateful Eight
Carter Burwell, Carol
Daniel Pemberton, Steve Jobs
Alexandre Desplat, The Danish Girl
Ryuichi Sakamoto, Alva Noto, The Revenant

FUCK. YES. Say what you will about the incredibly divisive The Hateful Eight (Travis and I loved it), but one piece that was undeniably excellent was master composer Ennio Morricone’s haunting score. It’s my favorite score of 2015 and I happened to be playing it when he was announced as the winner. I cranked that shit up to 11. Even more than some other satisfying wins, this was my celebration of the night. I finally feel vindicated for listening to the score for Orca over a hundred times. Good call, Travis.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series-Drama

Jon Hamm, Mad Men
Bob Odenkirk, Better Call Saul
Rami Malek, Mr. Robot
Wagner Moura, Narcos
Liev Schreiber, Ray Donovan

This was Hamm’s category to lose and I don’t begrudge him a farewell win to one of the best shows in television history (more for other people than me personally, but I do recognize how profoundly excellent Mad Men was), but man did Odenkirk bring it in Better Call Saul‘s first season. If the show continues on the path it’s currently on, Odenkirk will be getting his farewell win in a few years.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture-Musical or Comedy

Matt Damon, The Martian
Al Pacino, Danny Collins
Mark Ruffalo, Infinitely Polar Bear
Christian Bale, The Big Short
Steve Carell, The Big Short

Having only seen The Martian out of these flicks, I’m fine with Damon taking this even though I don’t think The Martian is anything super special. It’ll be a different tune I sing if he wins at The Real Awards. He’s fine in the movie, but he’s helped by the fact that he’s the only actor worth a damn in that picture and the movie is 80% his show. Hate me in the comments.

Best Motion Picture-Animated

Inside Out
Shaun the Sheep Movie
The Good Dinosaur
The Peanuts Movie

I bet my opinion on this will change once I actually see Anomalisa, and Pixar is usually a shoe-in for this category, but man is Inside Out one of their best films ever. I’d put it right up there with the first Toy Story. My fellow CHUD contributors would probably agree, seeing as how it landed at our #6 spot in our Best of 2015 list.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in any Motion Picture

Sylvester Stallone, Creed
Michael Shannon, 99 Homes
Idris Elba, Beasts of No Nation
Mark Rylance, Bridge of Spies
Paul Dano, Love & Mercy

I think this will be the most endearing win of the night for a lot of people and I’m totally happy with that. Stallone should be on his way to an Oscar win with this and he deserves it. Creed is easily in the top three of the best Rocky films. Here’s hoping Michael B. Jordan gets a Best Actor nomination as well.

Best Screenplay-Motion Picture

Aaron Sorkin, Steve Jobs 
Emma Donoghue, Room
Tom McCarthy, Josh Singer, Spotlight
Charles Randolph, Adam McKay, The Big Short
Quentin Tarantino, The Hateful Eight

I have a hunch that Spotlight might have occupied this spot if I had seen it, but I’m all about QT’s tense and mean-spirited script for The Hateful Eight. I have a hard time believing that Sorkin’s script comes anywhere close to his work on The Social Network, but feel free to tell me I’m wrong in the comments. I don’t have much of a desire to see Steve Jobs (especially after some dismal reviews from friends that I trust), so maybe I’m just biased against that movie in general.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series-Musical or Comedy

Gael García Bernal, Mozart in the Jungle
Aziz Ansari, Master of None
Rob Lowe, The Grinder
Jeffrey Tambor, Transparent
Patrick Stewart, Blunt Talk

Okay, do I need to see this show? Has anyone seen this show? Is it actually about Mozart in the jungle?

Best Motion Picture-Foreign Language

Son of Saul (Hungary) 
Mustang (France)
The Brand New Testament (Belgium, France, Luxembourg)
The Club (Chile)
The Fencer (Finland, Germany, Estonia)

I always know which foreign film will win because there’s only ever one entry out of all the nominees that I’ve even heard of and that’s the one that always wins. I’ve heard lots of great stuff about Son of Saul, so maybe I’ll watch it some day. Or maybe I’ll rewatch John Wick for the seventh time. It’s my time and I’ll use it how I want!

Best Performance by an Actress in a Limited Series or a Motion Picture Made for Television

Lady Gaga, American Horror Story: Hotel
Queen Latifah, Bessie
Kirsten Dunst, Fargo
Sarah Hay, Flesh & Bone
Felicity Huffman, American Crime

I gave up on AHS halfway through the last season and I doubt that Hotel was such a glorious renaissance that Lady Gaga deserved this win, especially in comparison to the career best performance that Dunst gave in Fargo. She nearly stole the entire show and it’s a bummer she isn’t getting the accolades she rightly deserves. It really could be her best role in her entire career.

Best Original Song-Motion Picture

“Writing’s On The Wall,” Spectre
“Love Me Like You Do,” 50 Shades of Grey
“See You Again,” Furious 7
“One Kind of Love,” Love & Mercy
“Simple Song #3,” Youth

Feh. Only heard the Sam Smith song out of these, but I guarantee one of them was better than that auditory coma.

Best Television Series-Drama

Mr. Robot
Game of Thrones

Okay, I’m queuing this show up. This category is more notable for its omissions rather than its current combatants, but I’m willing to bet this Mr. Robot show is worth a win.

Best Director-Motion Picture

Alejandro Iñárritu, The Revenant
Todd Haynes, Carol
George Miller, Mad Max: Fury Road
Tom McCarthy, Spotlight
Ridley Scott, The Martian

The crime of the night. I was bored with The Revenant (Travis was somewhat lukewarm on it) but now I may actively turn on the film. George Miller directed the hell out of Mad Max: Fury Road and gave the world something that will be long remembered after The Revenant has dissipated into the dusts of time. It doesn’t help that I think I’ve come to hate Iñárritu himself more than his actual movies. His next film should be a single take shot of him climbing up his own ass. Fuck this, I’m watching Fury Road right now.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series-Drama

Taraji Henson, Empire
Robin Wright, House of Cards
Viola Davis, How to Get Away With Murder
Caitriona Balfe, Outlander
Eva Green, Penny Dreadful

Every time I talk to my mom about television shows, she keeps recommending Empire to me. I hope this win made you happy, Mom.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture-Musical or Comedy

Jennifer Lawrence, Joy
Lily Tomlin, Grandma
Melissa McCarthy, Spy
Maggie Smith, The Lady in the Van
Amy Schumer, Trainwreck

Schumer never had a chance but she was a welcome surprise to the romantic comedy field this past year. J-Law is our current superstar actress and it doesn’t hurt that she’s pretty awesome both on-screen and off. I’ve heard next to nothing about Joy but I’d be shocked if she wasn’t good in it. Frankly, I’d rather rewatch Spanking the Monkey than any of Russell’s recent output.

Best Motion Picture-Musical or Comedy

The Martian
The Big Short

The feel good movie of 2015. No surprise but nothing in this category was something I would fight for. Trainwreck is about it but other than that, eh.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture-Drama

Brie Larson, Room
Cate Blanchett, Carol
Rooney Mara, Carol
Saoirse Ronan, Brooklyn
Alicia Vikander, The Danish Girl

I need to see more movies. Out of these, Room is the only one I’m remotely interested in. I’d be pleased if it dominated enough of the conversation to get people to ease off on that Tommy Wiseau picture.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture-Drama

Leonardo DiCaprio, The Revenant 
Bryan Cranston, Trumbo
Michael Fassbender, Steve Jobs
Eddie Redmayne, The Danish Girl
Will Smith, Concussion

Wow, big fuckin’ surprise. If this is another indicator of an Iñárritu film sweeping the Oscars, I may get plastered on Oscar night, drag my TV outside and set up a free screening of Mad Max: Fury Road. It’s a shame that most wide audiences don’t get exposed to enough art films that when one as mediocre (MEDIOCRE!) as The Revenant comes around they just wet themselves. I’d rather watch Leo in Critters 3 again than ever watch this Valium-in-film’s-clothing.

Best Motion Picture-Drama

The Revenant
Mad Max: Fury Road

Looks like I better get ready to set up my TV outside on February 28. What a bag of fucksteak. Even though I haven’t seen it, I’d be more pleased if Spotlight took this category. Bummer end to a night with a few highlights. Morricone and Stallone are the wins of the night for me. Chime in with your thoughts in the comments. I have to mentally prepare myself for all the praise people are about to give The Revenant. Good thing my roommate Bourbon Whiskey is always home.

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