Welcome to our collective nightmare…
As has been the case for ages now, CHUD.com will be running a live commentary on the Oscars show, complete with the results, bitchy comments, and maybe even a little insight. I’ll warn you, this will be R-rated and a lot of what I say is coming unedited. I fully expect to have to eat crow down the line regarding some of this so please grant me a sort of immunity if you’re one of the people I offend. It’s entertainment folks, or at least this site’s version of it.
Here we go. Newest comments on the top…
11:40pm – What a boring show. Folks, thank you for hanging around. This is my personal last ever CHUD.com live Oscar coverage. Next year, there’ll be someone more cunning. Thank you, folks.
11:39pm – BEST PICTURE – MILLION DOLLAR BABY
11:35pm – Telegram from God…. Marty, you pissed me off in 1959 when you forgot to flush. Enjoy my punishment.
11:33pm – BEST DIRECTOR – CLINT EASTWOOD – MILLION DOLALR BABY
11:31pm – And millions of the kids of the world begin to hate Jamie Foxx for the beatings they’ll now be delivered per his recommendation.
11:27pm – BEST ACTOR – JAMIE FOXX – RAY
11:23pm – Call me a shrimp boat captain, but selling a car on the principle that it’s the best selling car is bullshit. How’s about being the best? There was a time when the Ford Escort was #1, and that car was Maximum Overdrive.
11:18pm – DESERVED. Way to go, Charles.
11:17pm – BEST SCREENPLAY – ETERNAL SUNSHINE O FTHE SPOTLESS MIND
11:17pm – I love when people are thanked for spreading life all around themselves. Like Peter North!
11:16pm – BEST FOREIGN FILM – THE SEA INSIDE
11:15pm – The best foriegn film of last year was definitely sdakjf;asdjfi a9wufaw9faji;dsf; ksadjfdklfasjasfdkiafs sdfkl;jfklj;fasf Charles.
11:14pm – My baseball fantasy draft starts at 11:45. Give Marty the award and be done with it!
11:11pm – The best thing ever. Sierra Mist’s website is www.mist-takes.com. Mist Takes. Hold on one second…
11:08pm – Swank deserves it. So does Swank the magazine. I like the trivia about her being the only lady ever nominated for playing a boxer. Apparently, Oscar has a different take on Jessica Tandy’s win.
10:52pm – BEST ACTRESS – HILARY SWANK
11:06pm – "I am Sean Penn and I hate laughs. Didn’t you see We’re No Angels? Plus, puppet comedy… THE WORST. Fuck puppets."
11:04pm – Jorge "The Glide" Drexler.
11:03pm – BEST SONG – MOTORCYCLE DIARIES
10:59pm – Ladies and gentlemen, tiny white musician Prince!
10:59pm – If anyone could create mangasm with her eyes, it is Bounced Knowles.
10:56pm – Arthur Miller, forgotten?
10:52pm – I’ll miss these fuckers. Man. Russ Meyer. Orbach. Ossie. Paul Winfield died? GOLDSMITH. Randall. Marlon. Sad shit. Where was Ray Charles? Hunter S. Shotapart?
10:49pm – Annette Bening’s hair appears courtesy of Footloose.
10:48pm – Is it wrong that I think of a female Paul when someone named Pauline is mentioned? Hey look, it’s Paul with breasts!
10:43pm – Marty found the only glasses more powerful than his eyebrows.
10:41pm – BEST SCORE – FINDING NEVERLAND
10:38upm – BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT – THE MIGHTY WORLD.
10:38pm – I don’t want to live on Autism World. And I never go to that theme park.
10:36pm – I called my last bowel movement Jake in Progress. John Stamos was there too!
10:34pm – The guy from Club Dread is Commercial Dan.
10:30pm – I’d fuck Banderas.
10:27pm – You know who is enjoying the show the most? The 11 poltergeists working in the sound team.
10:26pm – SOUND EFFECTS EDITING – THE INCREDIBLES
10:25pm – Salma Hayek made my pants go "boom".
10:24pm – BEST SOUND MIXING – RAY
10:22pm – I’m hungry for Mexican.
10:16pm – Robert Richardson thanks his son, Kiefer.
10:16pm – BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY – THE AVIATOR.
10:14pm – BEST ANIMATED SHORT – RYAN
10:13pm – BEST ANIMATED SHORT – MICKEY ROONEY
10:10pm – BEST SHORT – WASP. BEST 80’S METAL ACT, ALSO WASP!
10:11pm – Everything in this country must Gary McKentry? I agree!
10:10pm – Chris Rock thanks Bill Conti, who secretly plans his murder for the Rocky V gag.
10:08pm – Worst acting gig: "I was the guy pretending to be The Phantom of the Problems at the Oscar telecast."
10:07pm – I wish it were HARRY Knowles singing with the irate aloofness of Andrew Chris Webber.
10:061pm – Opray Winfrey presents… the ruination of men.
10:01pm – Mickey Rooney drinks from the cup Julian Glover didn’t find.
9:59pm – What if Lumet died and his last memory was of Vin Diesel’s guns pressing up against him?
9:53pm – How can I pay attention to Al Pacino’s speech after THOSE TITS?
9:52pm – Lumet is a master. Totally underappreciated. Bad ass McGovern.
9:50pm – Tabernacle of Talent? Why did he just name drop my penis?
9:49pm – BEST VISUAL EFFECTS – SPIDER-GENTLEMAN 2
9:49pm – Hooray for Sideways. Hooray that Jake is better looking than Maggie GyllenHallandOates.
9:46pm – BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY – SIDEWAYS
9:44pm – I wonder if that was planned.
9:42pm – I’ve seen animated steak. I can officially retire my dream project, The Little Sirloin.
9:41pm – I hate the Snack Fairy. Sucker made Food Faggot lose his job.
9:39pm – 1 crow, 2 crows, 3 crows, FUCK COUNTING CROWS!
9:37pm – If it were Adam Duritz in the Garden of Eden, it may have actually happened.
9:35pm – Thelma is the Goddess of editing. And a cannibalistic humanoid underground dweller, as it turns out.
9:34pm – BEST EDITING – THE AVIATOR
9:33pm – I am fucking tired of the kids in Calcutta getting thanked at the Oscars.
9:32pm – BEST DOCUMENTARY – BORN INTO BROTHELS (xxx)
9:30pm – Carson was a God. Seriously. Some bearded guy got punted from Heaven earlier this year.
9:28pm – Whoopi Goldberg has no value. None.
9:25pm – Hmmmm. I’d have gone with someone else, but it’s hard not to love the Cate. Oh, and don’t tease Kirsten Dunst, Michael Myers, and Orlando Bloom if you want people to wait through commercials.
9:23pm – BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS – CATE BLANCHETT – THE AVIATOR
9:21pm – Tim Robbins gets the business from Rock. Nice!
9:19pm – BEST COSTUMES – THE AVIATOR.
9:17pm – Pierce needs some Mick’s Vapor Rub.
9:16pm – Scarlett Johanssen presents… The I Can’t Speak English For Dick Awards!
9:14pm – Magic Johnson Theaters. The dick. Oh, and Rock’s showing some nervousness.
9:09pm – Billy Crudup is too good for commercials. FUCK. Then, Andie McDowall shows her putrescence on my set. Jeez.
9:07pm – The music they’re playing before the commercial is from 2002’s All-Star Baseball for the PS2.
9:05pm – Backing vocals by The Village of the Damned.
9:04pm – The "multi-talented Drew Barrymore". Someone at the Oscars is creative.
9:03pm – MEDUSA IS THANKED. I can die now.
8:59pm – BEST MAKEUP – LEMONY SNICKETT
9:01pm – I’d give $11 if Cate dimished to the West after finishing this presentation.
8:59pm – BEST ANIMATED FILM – THE INCREDIBLES
8:58pm – If The Incredibles doesn’t win, I’ll punch you.
8:56pm – Viagra joke, Robin Williams. You are timely.
8:54pm – Lesbian. It’s contagious!
8:53pm – Pepsi, thank you for RAPING Spartacus.
8:53pm – Clive Owen or Thomas Haden Church should have won but I didn’t know ol’ Morg hadn’t won yet. I forgive you for being a dick to me on the set of Dreamcatcher.
8:51pm – BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR – MORGAN FREEMAN – MILLION DOLLAR BABY
8:47pm – Italians. Overrated.
8:46pm – ART DIRECTION – THE AVIATOR.
8:46pm – Halle Berry’s temperature post-Rock comment. 303 degrees. Couldn’t have happened to a better former Justic of the Piece.
8:42pm – Political joke running long.
8:42pm – Spike Lee, get rid of that hat or I will do the right thing to you.
8:38pm – Jude Law jab.I respect it, but that guy is a star.
8:28pm – Chris Rock, kick their asses. Please don’t become a puddle of schmaltz. Or Kirk Baltz.
8:26pm – Peeeenalope Cruz is one beautiful illegal alien.
8:24pm – Dietrich Bader deserves Dietrich Better.
8:16pm – Oh! The big twist was that the ladies were watching thier high school reunion!
8:20pm – I’ll be damned, Scarlett Johanssen is boring me. Please interview the Skiff Guards, Chris Connelly.
8:18pm – If they are going to interview someone, they’d better finish the goddamn job. I hate when they cut someone off after 2 milliseconds so they can pump out more interviews than men and women need to survive.
8:16pm – Kirsten Dunst’s brother has the same skull [on loan from the Predator’s ship].
8:11pm – Mike Madsen would have been equally stunning in that blue dress.
8:10pm – Billy Bush wouldn’t appreciate nuclear terror delivered all about his person, but I would.
8:07pm – I really needed to see Roberto Benigni right after dinner. FUCK.
8:06pm – Halle Berry should get crushed by Monster’s balls.
8:03pm – Billy Bush speaks to Hilary Swank’s thunderous curvature. He’s a little better than Mephisto. Maybe. How did he get rehired for this? Warren Beatty sees through his hateful facade. But, I must admit that I’m over Annette Bening.
7:59pm – Alicia’s lips continue to freak me out. Pratt Industries? Help us all.
7:52pm – Barbara
Walters asked Jamie Foxx how he keeps it real. Then, she turned her wig around and busted a pose. Fucking Kangol wig, the bitch is HIP.
7:49pm – A question to the readers. What’s more exciting, the Barbara Walters show or ants carrying a small fragment of Stockard Channing through the hill?
7:45pm – Jamie Foxx will win this year not because he’s black but because he fucking deserves it. That’s a nice change of pace at the Oscars.
7:40pm – Jamie Foxx just gave Barbara Walters the "the cock is on the way to you" look!
7:34pm – I am not looking forward to this touchy-feely Jamie Foxx interview. Not at all.
7:35pm – Remember Teri Hatcher in Tango & Cash? I’d have screwed Stallone to get to that woman. WOP never returned my calls.
7:29pm – I shot two pounds of estrogyn out of my nipples watching this Teri Hatcher interview. It was neat!
7:23pm – Alicia Silverstone’s mouth is controlled by Arcade. Muhammad Ali, TKO’d.
7:20pm – How hard is it to keep a Will Ferrell interview from being fun? Answered. Also, why is Teri Hatcher being interviewed for a FILM broadcast. She shot that career in the pouch. She’s a TVACTRESS now.
7:11pm – Barbara Walters asks Will Ferrell where the humor comes from. Because, obviously she doesn’t know. I find these interviews not unlike when Odin pulls my shorts down and punches me in the softness. I understand the value of these kind of interviews. It allows the regular folks to see these stars in a light different from their larger-than-life persona. It also paints them as ass boring. I’d advise you all to name your kids Magnus, or better yet… MAGNVS.