MSRP: $24.99
RATED: Unrated

The Pitch

It’s a lot like your life, only involving people who are prettier, shallower and richer than you can ever hope to be.

The Humans

Lauren Conrad, Heidi Montag, Whitney Port, Audrina Partridge and a bunch of men you don’t need to know about.

The Nutshell
Reality TV has never looked better than in season 3 of MTV’s huge hit ‘The Hills’ which follows the totally real and never scripted lives of four fabulous girls (and their fabulous wardrobes) as they navigate the ups, downs and all arounds of life, love and friendship in that magical place where dreams live and hookers die: Hollywood!

It is indeed, as they say, “hard out here for a pimp”.

The Lowdown

Remember those girls in high school that you could never stand, won all the popularity contests, loved by all but empty as individuals? Well, the good people at Music Television have brought them to your tv set and you fucking can’t stop watching, can you?
First of all, don’t worry if you’ve never seen season 1 or season 2 of The Hills. If you’re absolutely dying to know, simply call up one of your female friends and she will be more than excited to tell you all about the drama unfolding on screen. And rest assured, there is drama to be had. So much drama that even 28 episodes (twenty fucking eight!) cannot contain it.
There was a discussion when Cloverfield came out about how people didn’t care about the characters because they were stuck up yuppies. Why should we care about people who don’t have to like, you know, do shit for a living? At least the guys and girls in ‘Cloverfield’ had a giant monster attacking them. There is no sympathetic for the ladies of The Hills and it’s not for lack of trying, either, all of them engage in bickering, backstabbing and quite thoroughly fucking up their lives over the stupidest of reasons (usually involving a boy). Most of the good things, like jobs or fabulous trips, are given to them. One does not need to do much to get ahead in the fairy tale land of The Hills.

I don’t like to think of them as girlfriends. I like to think of them as future exes. 

The four principals are Lauren, who is ostensibly the star but lacks in the charisma needed to carry even a “reality” show. The best of them is Whitney, who seems to have a handle on life and does not sabotage her career in pursuit of cock. Heidi is a dumbfuck who is involved in a relationship with sociopath Spencer, who provides all the necessary drama. Lastly, Audrina, the sole brunette, fills out the crew as the obvious airhead despite her hair color. To go into detail about their relationships would require a diagram I do not possess at the current moment. When season 3 begins, the main conflict is the rumors of a sex tape of Lauren (aka LC) and a former boyfriend. Who circulated these ghastly rumors is anyone guess, but all signs point to Heidi, former room-mate and best friend to LC, and Spencer, her d-baggy boyfriend/soon to be fiance.
The girls’ lives involve them going to “work” (all in jobs that guarantee they will not be chosen to stay in the shelter when the bombs start falling), going out to drink, eat and party on a near nightly occasion and then talking about all the drama that went down the night before. It being a “reality” show, expect a lot of ‘likes, ‘ums’, vacant looks and blatantly obvious statements that will have you yanking your hair out. You’ll find yourself screaming ‘Just talk dammit!’, and I’m sure the producers just off camera are thinking the same thing, but they won’t say it because if these young women actually talk their problems through (and listen, it takes to hold a conversation), the show would be about twenty minutes long.

To say the acting is bad is pointless. These girls are acting, yes, but not really playing a part, they are after all themselves, only always in make-up and under the best lighting. It’s a bizarre limbo world of reality where what they say is what they actually say, it just so happens that the crew following them will have them repeat it over and over again until they get the perfect story. This allows for the show to be well produced, perhaps one of the best looking reality TV programs on air, but it loses the “spontaneity” and any semblance of truth it may be even remotely grasping for.
We all know people out in Hollywood and they are not driving BMWs to an internship. To say that it is “real” is debatable, to say that it reflects the reality of 99 % of the people who watch is laughable. Life isn’t a big party where you go out every night and wonder what cute boy is going to be there. Trust me, I wish it was, but I fear a generation of young women will watch ‘The Hills’ and think it’s a grand olde idea and ‘Hey, I like fashion, too!’ and move on out. The look on their face when they receive their reality check will be priceless.

Note to self: Become a physical trainer yesterday.

The Package
As stated, it’s a decently shot show that’s well lit for the most part, though the bar scenes, of which there are many, will rob you of your sight as the enhanced gain wrecks any image they’re going for. Music beds are a large part, often riding under or below nearly every scene. Expect a bunch of poppy junk you’ve never heard of (it is MTV after all). The music is not merely the emotional amplifier, it is in fact all of the emotion.
There is a wealth of deleted scenes that are deleted for obvious reasons. They add nothing that cannot be explained away in a voice over, though they are sometimes more fun than the actual show has to offer. A short series called ‘Fashion: The Life’ follows three designers up to and beyond the big Vegas fashion show and is enjoyable, but depressing because you would much rather watch these people than anyone on ‘The Hills’. There’s a ‘wtf’ reaction to The Virtual Hills, a Second Life game about…The Hills. Avoid! Cast interviews, commentary and a preview of ‘The American Mall’ round out the special features.

4.5 out of 10