Zac Efron is both dreamy and a few letters short of an actual human being’s name. Actually, he’s an elfin bit of bland whose easily generic features and proto-manga appearance has swept the pre-breasted world by Summer storm and carried him to massive fame and wealth that surely must enrage ugly internet authors like myself. Surely I must hate him for his beauty and professionally chiseled abs!

Lo and behold, I don’t hate him. I don’t envy him, either. I don’t even want to have his wispy tawny locks and impossibly crystalline eyes underneath Tom Snyder’s eyebrows as my own. I just don’t understand how people can make High School: The Musical cast members into actual stars, though I did enjoy Vanessa Hudgin’s naked photos until I realized I was old enough to be her incarcerated best sex she’s ever had short and stocky foulmouthed lothario.

Actually I do envy Zorbak’s wealth. If for nothing else than to have unlimited resources to play the amazing Monopoly Grand Hotel Slot Machine without fear of poverty. Ziprock’s loaded!

Zantharc Efroggington has the face of an angel and the moniker of a Mos Eisley cave-dweller and now he is angling to have half a degree of separation from Kevin Bacon by starring in a remake of Footloose.

Fucking Footloose! As if they need to capitalize on that brand.

First of all, Footloose was never great and it’s aged like a fine Amy Winehouse. Secondly, in today’s religously zany world the preacher would be the hero of the piece. Thirdly, it’s a dumb name for a movie. Fourthly, dancing is dumb. Fiftly, no one wants to see Zaxxon E-Honda stretch his skills to the max by going from dancing around all crazy-like in a school to dancing around all crazy-like in a barn. Unless they’re going to Platinum Dunes the whole thing up and go gritty and grainy and have Zzzyx Efrown dance and sass around in a moist barn.

Speaking of moist barns, those Vanessa Hudgins photos.

I’m still typing about a Zeeblok Efragglesock Footloose movie. God help me. God, also banish dancing in a small town.

Paramount Pictures, liking making money, is fast tracking the film in hopes of paying Mr. Eppppppppyyyyypppffpdpsps and Grease School: The Greasical director Kenny Ortega [NOT THE SALSA MAGNATE] tons of cash before the makers of the legitimate movies in development catch wind. Other people are involved, because they like making money too.

I think Timbaland is salivating and already ripping Kenny Loggins tunes to multiple hard drives in anticipation. I’m just hoping they leave Sammy Hagar’s seminal The Girl Gets Around intact in its currently immaculate form.