First of all, enjoy my GRAY TEXT today…
I gave a lady some shit yesterday for saying she was going to “jerk
off” that evening. As a man I don’t ask for much but I do ask that we
are allowed to keep “jerking off” all to ourselves. There are plenty of
wonderful terms to describe a woman making time with herself, but
though it’s physically possible for them to “jerk off” I think it could
be worded differently enough for us guys to maintain our status as the
bastions of jerking off.
I then was given this link.
It is a link you really, REALLY need to click, read, and forward. It’s
a Mormon guide to avoiding that most horrible of sins, making yourself
happy and getting rid of the unspent sexual energy that probably keeps
you from snapping and killing worlds. You need to read the shit out of
it. I’ll wait…
OK, and now my annotated version of “Overcoming Masturbation”. Their text is in italics (and once again, it is all gleaned from HERE) and mine is in the bullet points that follow:
1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal washing and using the bathroom.
since I consider “normal washing” me grabbing my dick between two soapy
sponges and doing jumping jacks, I can get behind this Mormon
2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in
this good company, especially when you are feeling particularly weak.
- Avoiding being alone isn’t really a cure for excessive
masturbation. It’s a cure for being a fucking douchebag loser. If you
find good company, maybe you can all jerk each other off. If you find
GREAT company, perhaps you could substitute your masturbation for
honest-to-Teddy Ruxpin intercourse. And pay heed; remembering that
intercourse in fine detail will most certainly help your next furious
bout of handfucking.
3. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem,
YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people
having the same weakness. Don’t suppose that two of you will quit
together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind.
Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your
mind. The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it
really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things.
- What the fuck kind of friendship leads to two guys discussing
their own plentiful masturbation? “You know Thad, this football game is
intense but I can’t watch helmets smacking together without being
reminded of the sounds my balls make against the air mattress in the
nighttime dark”. “Funny you should say that, Clive. I was just about to
excuse myself to the bathroom so I could send another volley of my own
seed into the shower drain”. Instead of breaking off a friendship
because you have a common bond, why not break it off because you’re so
shitty at being a friend that you can’t find anything interesting to do
4. After you bathe, don’t admire yourself in the mirror. Stay in the
shower just long enough to clean yourself. Then dry off and GET OUT OF
THE BATHROOM into a room where you will have some member of your family
- What the fuck? Have I made a huge error all my life? I have
never, EVER thought of jerking off to ME. Not even on my cutest and
most irresistible day have I seen myself in the mirror and thought “no
way I’m sharing this with someone else”. Of all the people to get hard
about, I’m low on the list. I’d jack off to the rotting carcass of
Mother Teresa before my own unholy effigy. Then again, she’s kinda
5. When in bed (especially if that is where you masturbate), wear
pajamas or other clothes so that you cannot easily touch yourself (and
so that it would be difficult to remove those clothes. The time it
takes to remove your clothing gives additional time to controll your
thinking and overcome the temptation).
- Thankfully I only masturbate while perched on the top of the chimney outside.
6. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT
OF BED! Go into the kitchen and make a snack, even if it is in the
middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry. The purpose behind
this suggestion is that you GET YOUR MIND ON SOMETHING ELSE. You are
the subject of your thoughts, so to speak.
- Are they really saying this? Instead of relieving stress, eat
at odd hours and become a bloated fuckface no one BUT YOU would want to
fuck. This is what is referred to as a Snatch-22.
7. Never look at pornography
on the internet or elsewhere. Never read about your problem (even on
sites claiming to be “educational”). Keep it out of mind. Remember —
“First a thought, then an act.” The thought pattern must be changed.
You must not allow this problem to remain in your mind. When you
accomplish that, you soon will be free of the act.
- OK. Except my imagination is so awesome I don’t need porn. I
could be watching my friends get shot up on Normandy’s Beaches and
still have enough in me to fire a few hundred thousand of my best
friends onto the sand.
8. Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. Read good books,
scriptures, talks of church leaders. Make a daily habit of reading at
least one chapter of Scripture, preferably from one of the four Gospels
in the New Testament, or the Book of Mormon. The four Gospels —
Matthew, Mark, Luke and John — above anything else in the Bible can be
helpful because of their uplifting qualities.
- I’m on the fence. What are Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John wearing?
9. Pray. But when you pray, don’t pray about this problem, for that
will tend to keep it in your mind more than ever. Pray for faith, pray
for understanding of the Scriptures, pray for members of your family
who need help. Pray for your friends, BUT KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT OF YOUR
MIND BY NOT MENTIONING IT EVEN IN YOUR PRAYERS. KEEP IT OUT of your
mind! The attitude of a person toward his problem has an affect on how
easy it is to overcome. It is essential that a firm commitment be made
to control the habit. As a person understands his reasons for the
behavior, and is sensitive to the conditions or situations that may
trigger a desire for the act, he develops the power to control it.
- You got me. I’m going to pray I can keep the plastic bag on JUST long enough and not a moment longer.
Now, that is the end of the FIRST LIST on that most holy of html pages,
but they also offer additional advice on how to combat the worst thing
since genocide… masturbatin’. The annotation continues…
1. Pray daily, ask for the gifts of the Spirit, that which will
strengthen you against temptation. Pray fervently and out loud when the
temptations are the strongest.
- I have this image of some dude reciting a bible passage loudly over the din in the back of the theater showing CLIT DUNGEON VII.
2. Exercise daily. Exercise reduces emotional tension and depression
and is absolutely basic to the solution of this problem. Double your
physical activity when you feel stress increasing.
- I vow to do twice the amount of soapy spongedick jumping jacks from this day forward.
3. When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell STOP to those
thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind and then recite a prechosen
Scripture or sing an inspirational hymn. It is important to turn your
thoughts away from the selfish need to indulge.
- I just pictured the above happening in real life and threw up all over my gripped boner. Slowed me down for almost a minute.
4. If you ever do give in, don’t give up. The worst thing you can do is
say “oh well, I screwed up, I guess I’ll stop trying”. Simply get back
on track and don’t look back. Until you commit yourself to never do it
again you will always be open to temptation.
- The great thing about religion. You can fuck up all you want
and just say “well, better luck next time”. I have found a middle
ground. I shout “I’m not enjoying this!” as I explode all over the
cover of the new Wizard Magazine.
5. Change in behavior and attitude is most easily achieved through a
changed self-image. Spend time every day imagining yourself strong and
in control, easily overcoming tempting situations.
- Mixed signals, asshole! You just told me not to admire myself
too long lest I start mirrorfucking myself. Imagining myself as a
strapping young legend is like throwing little manburgers at a ravenous
lion. How can I not give myself a little once around?
6. Begin to work daily on a self-improvement program. Relate this plan
to improving your Church service, to improving your relationships with
your family, God and others. Strive to enhance your strengths and
- Does the Church [I love that it’s capitalized] have a tutorial
on how to do shower jumping sexjacks without disturbing my shampoo’s
lather? If so, count me in.
7. Be outgoing and friendly. Force yourself to be with others and learn
to enjoy working and talking to them. Use principles of developing
friendships found in books such as How to Win Friends and Influence
People by Dale Carnegie.
- FORCE yourself to be with others? I have had a few of those
friends. The Uninvited. The Unchosen Few. Yeah, I’d prefer they be home
ejaculating on their hands and chests than making my other friends
nervous. Dale Carnegie is fucking dead, you pervert.
8. Be aware of situations that depress you or that cause you to feel
lonely, bored, frustrated or discouraged. These emotional states can
trigger the desire to masturbate as a way of escape. Plan in advance to
counter these low periods through various activities, such as reading a
book, visiting a friend, doing something athletic, etc.
- Great advice! A really good friend will hold the centerfold open from a safe distance so it can survive to be came at again.
10. A careful study will indicate you have had the problem at certain
times and under certain conditions. Try and recall, in detail, what
your particular times and conditions were. Now that you understand how
it happens, plan to break the pattern through counter activities.
- This suggestion made my head hurt in its dense and labyrinthine phrasing. Makes me wanna go jerk off to clear my head(s).
11. In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique
called aversion therapy. When we associate or think of something very
distasteful with something which has been pleasurable, but undesirable,
the distasteful thought and feeling will begin to cancel out that which
was pleasurable. If you associate something very distasteful with your
loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act. For example, if
you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of
worms, and eat several of them as you do the act. It sounds goofy, but
it actually works!
- I’m scared of your latter-day taint.
12. During your bathroom and shower activities leave the bathroom door
or shower curtain partly open. Enough to keep from being totally alone,
but still giving adequate privacy. Take cool, brief showers.
- Exhibitionism – OK! Masturbation – FAULTY NAULTY! I don’t know
about you guys, but this idea makes me even more interested in selfsex.
13. Get out of bed immediately in the mornings. Do not lie in
bed awake, no matter what time of day it is. Get up and do something.
Start each day with an enthusiastic activity.
- I think I know exactly what you’re hinting at. A man can achieve
more by tossing off as he cooks breakfast than by tossing off all
lazy-like in their bed.
14. Keep your bladder empty. Believe it or not, having a full bladder
can cause you to feel sexually stimulated. As strange as it sounds you
may find that going to the bathroom often makes it easier to refrain
- True. I mean, when you’re peeing you have your dick in your hand
and are in front of the only device in world history built to send your
dirty moments very far away very fast.
16. Always wear pajamas at night (preferably ones that tie or are difficult to open).
- I call this “playing hard to get” and the mangasm is always more
ferocious forthwith. I also appreciate that Mormons avoid the number 15.
17. Avoid people, situations, pictures or websites that create sexual excitement.
- Also, please avoid air.
18. It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in
overcoming this problem. A Bible, for example, held firmly in hand,
even in bed at night has proven helpful in extreme cases.
- Kinky, but I’ll bite.
Mormons also hate the number 19 apparently.
20. Set up a reward system for your successes. It does not have to be a
big reward. A dollar in a jar for every day you don’t masturbate. At
the end of the month you can buy something you like. If you don’t make
it to the end of the month, donate the money in the jar to charity –
this one works quite well.
- “Hey Joey, how you doing?” “I’m rich and I’ve only raped and killed
nineteen children out of anger and pent-up frustation!” “Praise Jesus!”
Praise him indeed.
- Nick Nunziata has plans that involve hands.
And now… a Mary Worth War Strip from the vault…
All apologizes to the creators of the strip. This intended as parody only and not an attempt to be the best thing ever.