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PLATFORM:
Wii

MSRP: $29.99
ESRB RATING: E
DEVELOPER: Torus Games

PUBLISHER: Majesco







I don’t believe that Majesco sets out to make dumpware for the Wii. So many other publishers make questionable material for the gaming system that is lighting up the nursing home circuit. It’s just that they don’t seem very concerned with long-term play quality.

Zoo Hospital is another dumpware title that takes cues from Trauma Center, while skipping out on the excitement. I mean, hell I love Macaws. I love entire game levels dedicated to delousing them. That was level five. That means there were four levels that were deemed necessary to work as introductory levels to the delousing. Ponder that one.





I’m all for helping out the creatures of the world. It’s just that I want some challenge. I want some achievements. Fuck, I want some incentive to take time away from Braid or Mega Man 9 to play this title.
 

THE PITCH


You work at the world’s shittiest zoo. All of the animals are maligned with various illnesses and injuries. Nobody bothers to report you for your misdeeds, as long as you take care of the afflicted four-leggers. Aunt Lucy has contacted you to help her out. Apparently, the fuzz is on her ass for all the dead simians that line the property. Can you bail her out before she goes to the pokie?


   


THE PLAY

The
controls are standard for a Wii game. You pick up your Wii-mote and you try not to thrash around like a retarded dolphin. There’s not much effort to repairing a broken donkey leg, fixing a Giraffe’s taint or delousing a Macaw. You just move the cursor over and pick the bastard clean. If you can master the simple mini-games in any other Wii game, then this is a piece of cake. A piece of cake that cost you thirty dollars and tastes like stale Nilla Wafers. But, it’s a cake nonetheless.



The only joy I found in this game was to jerk teeth out of large animals. It was like Nintendo finally got with the program and released a motion-sensitive version of Hostel. But, you can only get so much joy from animal torture porn. After awhile, the learning curve allows you to beat the level and then more of the same. There’s a slight arcade mode of mini-games to alleviate the pain of beating the easy levels. But, after you drop Jesus on the fifteen animals left alive at the Zoo, you’re back at square one.

The game is still fun for children. They’ll love saving the animals and feeling the digital love from their cold Koala eyes. Honestly, it’s almost the perfect substitute for parental supervision and care. Forget this game. Majesco did and so did most of the public.
 
THE PRESENTATION
 
The
graphics are sharp for the Wii. But, that’s like saying your six old cousin can wipe his own ass. By this day and age, that’s not a special feat. It should be expected. Still, there’s no on-line support and limited co-op ventures. I already feel my attention waining back to Civilization Revolution. I won’t recommend this title for a purchase, but it’s a rental for families with small children. Just watch little Johnny if he keeps sticking the scalpel up the Bald Eagle’s ass.



 

THE REPLAY

 

Animal torture only offers up so much replay value. The game cuts off before Mr. Camel lets out the last blood curdling scream from your maligned attempts at home surgery. But, the learning curve present in the game won’t allow you to keep purposely making the same screw-ups. Eventually, you’re going to do the right thing and save the creatures. Aunt Joan won’t have to flee the country and Thanksgiving will be grand around the Zoo Hospital.

The co-op is so limited that you might as well forget offering the second Wii-mote to a friend. They’re just going to look at you with the disdain that a person shows a bastard child. They’re going to wonder why you spent your money on a game like this rather than something essential like Volcano Tacos. But, they don’t get the joy of pulling teeth. Pulling digital teeth in a kiddie game that I forgot came out a month ago.


 


THE VERDICT
 

Better than a teaspoon of Super-Aids, shittier than Mono.


1.5 out of 10