What

follows is a scattershot bit of random thoughts, links, and images that

showcase the lunacy that exists in the entertainment world and beyond.

Folks who remember my old missives from the old Steady Leak articles

should find this kind of stuff familiar. Folks seemed to get a kick out

of the first installment, and each Wednesday should fall victim to

another installment. Don’t expect anything deep here but something may

tickle your fancy.

ASSORTED DUMB SHIT


1. “My Car Runs on Period Blood!”



Photo by Andrea Rothe.


Sometimes an acronym isn’t your friend but rather a merciless adversary bent on your defeat and the defeat of your product. Sometimes an acronym doesn’t mean you glad tidings, only the wanton separation of limb from torso. A cruel and remorseless thing without regard for your livelihood. Sometimes an acronym is an asshole.




2. “And I Thought He Smelled Bad… On the Outside.”



Photo by Russ Fischer.



“Where’s Uncle Teddy?”


“He’s asleep in Jesus.”



“Jesus must be terribly huge.”


“No son. Jesus can fit us all inside him once we’ve left this world.”



“So… he’s got what, the ability to unhinge his jaw and accept us whole or does he cut us into tiny pieces and then devour us. Hey, then why do I eat HIS body every Sunday?”


“It’s not supposed to be taken figuratively, Donny.”



“I don’t know about you, but I’m going to be restless if I’m inside my Savior’s tummy. Asleep in Jesus? Not for a while! I’ll be tossin’ and turnin’ in Jesus. He’s a cannibal!”


“I give up…”



“Aunt Martha weighed five-hundred pounds. He had to unhinge his whole upper body to get her to sleep in him, am I right?”





3. “Come Back and See Me When Your Peep Ain’t So Scanty.”



Photo by Andrea Rothe.


“Mrs. Tendings, this is Dr. Galahad on the phone and… good and how are you? Excellent. I’m glad to tell you that your husband does not have prostate cancer but rather just a case of scanty urine… No, not at all. Just some scanty urine. Some small chunks of scant, a few larger scant pieces but nothing malignant… Well, I suppose it’s normal scant. Not the really dangerous sort… What was that? Oh, let me forward you to our Scanty Unit, please hold.”





4. Hope This Doesn’t Affect My Idea For a $1.31 Store.


Photo by Andrea Rothe.


“This is an outrage! I had my eyes on a series of poorly molded M.A.S.K. figure clones from the Adriatic Sea region and to demand such an exorbitant amount for them is tantamount to the Fascist regime overtaking this great nation. Changing your dollar fee to $1.10 is like pulling my daughter out of school and raping her in the infirmary. I’ve had it with your America!”





5. “My Boner’s Got Diverse Tastes!”


Photo by Andrea Rothe.


To me this is the epitome of brand loyalty. Sometimes I need a rubber that’s got just a hint of peppermint so that when I whip it off and give it gingerly to a mouth there’s not that discouraging latex taste… only my minty masthead. Then, sometimes I feel a little crazy and I want rubber with spinning blades, a trap door, and a platform in order to reach the princess… if you get my drift. Then there’s the one with little rubber spikes that tickle my tenderness so sweet, I don’t even need a date.

I also like having a special rubber for the ass.





6. You Don’t Knowspacing.



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


I’m not convinced this gentleman is a direct descendant of Einstein.





7. Coke, Now Featuring No Coke!



Photo by Jennifer Aldoretta.


Fine Print on Label: Xigris is so phenomenal and powerful a substance that we can’t even include it in Xigris. Think about that as your hands get sanitized to within an inch of their lives by the absolute absence of Xigris and then wonder how sanitary they’d be with some Xigris. You’ll never know because NOTHING CAN BE THAT CLEAN WITHOUT SERIOUS REPERCUSSIONS.





8. “Please. Stop. Crotchfishing.”


Photo by Marc Pilvinsky.


I love feeling safe near the ocean, so it’s great to be… wait, what does that say?


Photo by Marc Pilvinsky.


I feel like I just dodged a bullet. I was about to go swimming but imagine if I did and got attacked by a Water Groin.


9. Greedo, For Lack of a Better Word… is Good.



Photo by Matthew Teague Miller.


How can someone afford a Hummer existing in a mindspace where the idea of a SITH SBR license plate is a good idea? I mean, at some point someone was interviewing this character for a job and something had to slip where the applicant mentioned that his hobbies included dressing up as Darth Maul and following his cousin/Emperor around a convention floor and the organic interview process came screaming to a halt. This guy should be making his living forcepushing a broom, nothing more.



10. Her Running Mate: Dick Standover.



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


I’ve got 150,000 to 400,000 (depending on my mood and how much time I’ve had to concentrate on makins’) constituents waiting to meet her.




11. “Rent’s due! Enjoy this simplistic guitar riff a lot of times in a row!”



Photo by Jeff Gabrielson.


“I have a complain, there’s a rattle and hum in the walls of my apartment.”


“You’re welcome, mate!”




12. It’s Where the Monsters Clean Gutters.



Photo by Tom Suitt.


I was a bit disturbed at Peloquin’s shingling work. That said, Shuna Sassi and Baphomet did a wonderful job fixing my leaf problem.



13. Grammar Befitting the Audience of the Product.



Photo by M.T.


This is a fucking triple decker hoagie of horrible. From the usage of apostrophes, going 0-2 in that department, to the 1990 Photoshop flame effect all the way down to the decsion to use Ol’ Henry “Scrapheap Oligarch of the Catacombs” Shantybottoms as the model… everything here is an affront to my personal belief system. Also, I was not aware of the vicious rod holder market. Also, what are Pro’s? Also, why did they just trademark R-A-M and not R-A-M Rod? Also, isn’t “Get’s it up off the deck” the same slogan Toby Keith used for his last lifetime? How do these fuckers fool fish into biting their stuff?




14. “My Jeep’s from Cybertron. It Tranforms from a Jeep with Horns into a Magnet for Not Pussy.”



Photo by Will Shulik.


“I’m a big fan of tusks [which explains my Fleetwood Mac cut-off t-shirt] and cars you can break into with a spoon… how do I combine these passions?”





15. Trademark 2008, Brian Peppers.



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


I would kill or die to make love to Sascha Bonacheck and to have sat in the meeting that led to this amazing little bubble of information.

“Dave, this product is hated by every kid we’ve tested it with. One actually said “Bah Fangul!” to us.”


“I can’t send back 150,000 Scented Toy Garlic Cloves”



“Holy shit… have you noticed how it’s the perfect shape for the hand of a child who didn’t know the art of clenching until this very moment in time?”


“ORDER 150,000 MORE!”




16. Here’s the New One-Sheet for The Happening.



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


I’m pretty enthusiastic about this myself!



17. Busted For the Best Crime Ever.



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


This is from my yearbook. I narrowly was edged out for ‘Most Likely to Be Murdered By Twilight Fans”.







By the way:



























“I lick lollipops until they aren’t sticked!”




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