Spending about half of my life involved in the world of theatre, I think I’m allowed to vent a little bit when it comes to musicals. Though there are certainly a few that have stuck with me (Reefer Madness! being my personal favorite, Little Shop of Horrors being the gold standard, and Assassins being the only Sondheim musical I’ll never tire of), the majority of musicals are intolerable. Not only do they thrive on the inherent phoniness that comes with live theater (it’s rare to see a theatrical production that feels grounded and well-produced), but those who label Hollywood as creatively bankrupt should check out the plethora of derivative musicals that Broadway has turned out in the last decade.

According to Playbill, James Bond is set to join that illustrious group of non-original musicals by late 2017 or early 2018. The plot is being kept as secret as 007’s missions, but producer Merry Saltzman (daughter of the producer who brought James Bond to the big screen) says that the story will be a new one and will involve “several Bond villains, plus some new ones” and “our own Bond girl.”

I can’t see James Bond: The Musical (yes, that’s what it’s titled) being a serious adaptation of Ian Fleming’s cold-hearted killer agent, so I’m guessing we’re in for more Roger Moore than we are Daniel Craig. I’m sure some will find that fun, but you probably won’t be counting me among those people. I’m nowhere near the biggest Bond fan (I’ve seen less than half of the films), but I like the character enough to wish he didn’t have to be subjected to the fluffy banality that is the modern day Broadway musical.

Is there anyone out there who has been dying to see James Bond sing a romantic ballad to his girl du jour, and a cutesy little number explaining his flirtations with Moneypenny? Or to watch an action scene play out with the most stagey choreography imaginable? Does anyone want the inevitable “Don’t Touch That!” piece that Q will be singing when he gives 007 his gadgets? If you’re out there, make your case in the comments and forums.

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