Terminator Genisys™!

The future isn’t written with the all-new Terminator Genisys™ action playset from Paramount Toys!

Collect them all as you battle against Skynet™ (which has now been turned into an insultingly obvious stand-in for cloud computing called Genisys) for the continuation of one of the most mismanaged movie franchises in cinematic history! Recreate your favorite scenes from Terminator Genisys™ and even some from the first two Terminator™ films, because banking on your love of better movies is an easy way to manipulate you into enjoying Terminator Genisys!

Every figure comes with a personality as plastic as the very parts that it’s made from! Press the button on their back to activate their synthesized voice modules, and you can hear the same tired catchphrases and lifted lines over and over again! You’ll never stop loving those, even when they seem completely forced! Be sure to purchase the supplemental Terminator Genisys™ handkerchief so you can clean off the nostalgia-infused tears from your Arnold Schwarzenegger figure! All Emilia Clarke figures come equipped with a free voucher for one Daenerys Targaryen Pocket Pop! Keychain so that you remember her natural talent is merely being hampered by a worthless character! Jason Clarke figures all feature a tub of pancake makeup and an easy paycheck! Jai Courtney figures come equipped with four pills of Valium and a written apology!

(we regret to inform you that we will not be including Academy Award winner J.K. Simmons in the set due to the figure’s charisma microprocessor overloading during manufacturing)

Each figure comes with an instructional booklet detailing the overly convoluted plot, a complimentary CD featuring the mind-numbingly mediocre score, and an eight-page foldout map containing the numerous branching timelines you’ll need to keep track of in order to enjoy your adventures with Terminator Genisys™! Debate with your friends about the concept of free will and formulate multiple intricate theories, only to realize that you’ve injected more sense and comprehension into the story than the makers of Terminator Genisys™ did themselves!

No Terminator Genisys™ playset would be complete without some admittedly well-constructed set-pieces, but once you realize that these elaborate action sequences lack any kind of substance or emotional weight, you’ll move on to the next bit of hollow spectacle! Add in some lowest common denominator humor and a milquetoast romance that was more succinctly and competently executed in the first film and you’re good to go!

It’s a race against time (you’ll be counting every second!) that only you can win! Fight the future of well-made summer blockbusters with Terminator Genisys™! Available at all participating Wal-Marts near you!

Terminator Genisys™ not for ages 7 and older. Strong performances, engaging story, narrative coherence, and enjoyment sold separately.

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