What

follows is a scattershot bit of random thoughts, links, and images that

showcase the lunacy that exists in the entertainment world and beyond.

Folks who remember my old missives from the old Steady Leak articles

should find this kind of stuff familiar. Folks seemed to get a kick out

of the first installment, and each Wednesday should fall victim to

another installment. Don’t expect anything deep here but something may

tickle your fancy.

ASSORTED DUMB SHIT


1. Taken at the Rob Halford Center for Wayward Young Gentlemen.



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


I’m above a Priest/Molester joke. That’s where I draw the line.













I am however right in the wheelhouse of a Priest/Molester limerick.

The priest just finished a sample
though the boy would claim it was ample
the sign ensured them a seat
the priest had to meet and greet
and the limp on the child was substantial




2. “All I want for Christmas is my two front screaming flying monkeys!”



Photo by Nick Nunziata.



“I have an idea for a toy the kids are going to shit their pants over.”


“Preach Mark Cavanaugh, PREACH!”


“A monkey that’s also a slingshot. The kids shoot the monkey around the room, laughing all the time!”



“A slingshot monkey. I don’t know… we really shit the bed with the hand grenade tree sloths…”


“What if the monkeys scream in midair?”


“Call Singapore and tell them to fire up the machines.
I want six million screaming slingshot monkeys ready for Arbor Day!”





3. “I want to complain about something great.”



Photo by Marc Pilvinsky.


“I am outraged at all the free speech in this mud!


“Me too! And while we’re at it, someone needs to put an end to all these blowjobs I’ve been getting.”



“Also, down with food items that taste good and make me healthier!”


“Freedom and clean water’s for pussies!”



“These wet wipes clean all of the fetid nastiness from in and around my recently used shithole! God damn the sanitary nature of it all!”


“What should we rampage against now?”





4. This minute is the best minute since a minute ago.


Photo by Nick Nunziata.


First of all, Die Another Day is one of the worst songs… not BOND songs but SONGS ever to make it on the radio. To proclaim a song the best “since” that very recent abomination is extremely faint praise. Plus, that Chris Cornell’s tune was superior [and better than the Keys/White collaboration, though it’s not horrible]. You need some space to make a sentence or proclamation like that have merit. ‘Crime Movie X is the best police thriller since Street Kings‘ doesn’t really do much for your cause. Die Another Day wasn’t even the best Bond song since The World is Not Enough.





5. Yeah… on a scale of 1 – 1000 maybe.


Photo by Mark Bierman.


“Tommy Joe, we are destitute!”


“I will not let you sell your body for milk and bread again, Polly!”



Destitute. Plus, I can’t have strange, sad sex until I pop these twins out.”


“What do you want me to do? I already traded my Rick Honeycutt card collection for that metal heart sculpture in the front yard. I made us art collectors, I don’t see you mentioning that!”


“The mailman laughs at that heart every day. I hear him over my own considerable sobs.”


“Well, once I finish making our home look like Tony Stewart’s car, we’ll talk about that milk shit.”




6. “I lost 5 pounds of stale wind in just five workouts!”



Photo by Daniel Tieman.


Folks, no fooling. If you’re like me and have been trapped in a triangle make sure you’ve brought some heavy items and a stomach full of unsatisfactory anti-nutrients. Do the math. Pull the heavy, squeeze ass, hot air rises, triangle shatters in the sky, you drop and roll. It worked for me, easy as pie.




7. Joan Crawford’s Daycare Sucks.



Photo by Tim Strall.


I couldn’t agree more.

Kids should be seriously stuffing the tongue into hundreds of Air Jordans a day, sweating ass. They should be seriously hiding in the closet of the rectory avoiding the huffings and puffings. They should seriously be swimming up through compressed bladders of antimatter on their way to the Sphere of Forever protected only by their cunning and the Shield of Imperviousness.

Playing is for the birds. Look at what their playing has brought this country to. When they get older, however. When they can afford catamarans and H2’s… the sky’s the limit.




8. Snack of Bensonhurt.


Photo by Russ Fischer.


Epcot’s Israel section leaves a little to be desired.




9. “Brando… his heart was Brando while his senses stood by. He’ll never find another girl like you, for happy endings it takes two…



Photo by Ed Boak.


There’s no reason to ever have this license plate. Even if your name is Harrison Brando of Hanover, Mass. Or bland sports personality Tim Brando. Or even Sister Mary Margaret Brando-Brando before the big Nor’easter. People are going to assume you’re either a huge fan of or the legendary entertainment personality Christian Brando yourself, which is impossible without black magic and air freshener.



10. “…and the Lord spake ‘Get your kids offa my lawn!‘”



Photo by Nick Nunziata based on a suggestion by Andrea Rothe.


Odd that hypocrisy found its way into religion.




11. “Why do you manage an Italian restaurant?”
       “I failed every English.”



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


The sad thing is that most everyone who reads this sign either doesn’t note or care or is awestruck that they used Georgia Bulldog colors in their design scheme.




12. The endcap for Barnes & Noble’s new ‘Out of his fucking mind’ section.



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


Why did Travolta have to shoot the cow’s leg off?



13. “This Nurachi’s a Really Small Job Applicant…”



Photo by Andrea Rothe.


I once had a job interview in a wicker basket but this is outrageous.




14. “Can’t go out Thursday… gotta watch the coroner debates on public access TV.”



Photo by Unnamed T-Mobile Customer.


“Who you votin’ fer?”


“The one with furry balls.”




15. The Red Baron was found deceased in his home, battered by giant beagle cock slams.



Photo by Andrea Rothe.


Taken from the Afterschool Special ‘Your Dog is Rather Penised, Charlie Brown!‘.



16. We know. You drive a Jeep. Don’t need to tell us.



Photo by Unnamed T-Mobile Customer.


This guy is proud of his Frank Beard testicle collection [one, near mint condition].



17. “To fix eye I use either experimental laser or experimental dagger.”



Photo by Andrea Rothe.


It’s totally cool to entrust something as durable and dispensable as a simple optic ball with someone who is so aloof in their practice that they don’t even bother to try and create the illusion of sight safety in the very name of their business. Rumor has it the people at the business license place didn’t even check to see if the name was in use. I did some research and got a hold of some customer comment forms from former Eye Best patrons.

Behold! Eye Best Customer Testimonials:

1. “I always wanted a German Shepherd!”

2. “Imagine my surprise to discover that Dr. Huang had hooks for hands AND feet! I want to thank labial skin grafts for my new eyelids.”

3. “I must admit that I was skeptical at first when the doctor produced a scimitar for the exam.”

4. “I’ve always maintained a ‘glass is half full’ mentality. I’m proud to say that thanks to Eye Best my daughter’s half blind.”

5. “Not for nothing but that doctor sure knew a lot about Tranzor-Z.”

6. “Dr. Kasume treated my peepers with the TLC of Lucio Fulci.”

7. “I am typing this testimonial with Microsoft’s Ergonomic Braille Keyboard.”






By the way:



























“My favorite musical type of music is ice cream truck music!”




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