A Nice Hard Slap – Fashion Advice

Fashion Tips.

I am a rugged cunt. I know this. People tell me this. I’m a tough.
A suburban rogue. Nails. Balls deep in everything I do. Once, I was a
dapper motherfucker. Now, I can get by with my charm and my Creature from the Black Lagoon sweatshirt. But not everyone is as lucky. Allow me to lend a helping hand. Fashion advice from a gentleman.

• If the word “Hollister” covers more than 30% of your body you have made a grievous error.
• If you have a pastel shirt with the collar up, you have made a grievous error.
• If you have found a way to work Crocs into your “going out” attire, you have made a grievous error.
• If you have the Superman or Batman logo on your shirt, it has to
  be accompanied by a less than gigantic belly or else, you have made a
  grievous error.

• If your insignificant other or pet features prominently on your clothing, you have made a grievous error.
• If you have a retro Star Wars shirt on, you have made a grievous error.
• If you are wearing a prequel Star Wars shirt, you have made a Gen. Grievous error.
• If you are advertising a band whose members died before you were born, you have made a grievous error.
• If you are wearing denim on more than one portion of your anatomy, you have made a grievous error.
• If your shirt is tight enough for us to know where you were born, you have made a grievous error.
• If your outfit accentuates your exposed midriff folds of skin, you have made a grievous error.
• If you are wearing shorts and hose you either work at Hooters and are dumb or, you have made a grievous error.
• If you are wearing swag from the theatrical release of Underworld, you have made a Grevioux error.
• If you have a belt that is half as thin as your belt loops, I hate you. And you have made a grievous error.
• If you are wearing a cowboy hat and it’s not for laughs, you had
  better have shit on your shoes and calloused man hands. Or else, you
  have made a grievous error.

• If you are wearing a sleeveless blouse and have flabby arms, you have made a grievous error.
• If you are a woman and combine mushroom cap hair with tight polyester, you have made a grievous error.
• If you are wearing a CHUD.com shirt. You are 55% on your way to being closer to Jesus.

– Nick Nunziata has made his share of grievous errors.

And now… a Mary Worth War Strip from the vault…

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