What
follows is a scattershot bit of random thoughts, links, and images that
showcase the lunacy that exists in the entertainment world and beyond.
Folks who remember my old missives from the old Steady Leak articles
should find this kind of stuff familiar. Folks seemed to get a kick out
of the first installment, and each Wednesday should fall victim to
another installment. Don’t expect anything deep here but something may
tickle your fancy.
1. Kids Like the Back Door*.
Whitney Houston believes the children are our future and that crack is wack, but do you have some because she could use a pick me up.
This church believes the children don’t deserve to come in the front door and should be ushered in the rear* like some sort of Morlock bitch bastards. Or worse, maybe there’s a secret manner* in which the kids are brought inside that they don’t want people to see…
Maybe there’s a lollipop dispenser* in the back of the building or maybe it’s not really the back of the building at all but rather the sidefront. Maybe like the Dutchie, the children have to be passed on the left hand side. Either way, it’s segregation and I won’t stand for it.
What’s next, a children’s section of the bookstore? Children-only clothing stores and specialty pricing at the movie theater for them? Haven’t they endured enough, what with being smaller and less verbose and all too recently having been expelled from vagina? Now that I think of it, I don’t want those little pricks using the same entrance as me. Fuck ’em*!
2. Thrilled to Be Shitting Alone in the Darkness in the Wilderness.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
I want to believe in The Happy Can but like with The Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, and the Shannon Doherty with Symmetrical Eyes I have to allow the practical part of my brain to take over and realize the difference between reality and ficticious characters and items. I want to imagine a world where one could have a pleasurable experience making fetid matter in an enclosed and unsanitary environment, prone to the shifting climes of the outdoors where anyone and everyone can eavesdrop on your progress but I can’t. There is no happy in this can. Only grunting, shifty-eyed sadness. Panting, trying to keep your pants legs from touching the ground, and one hand always on the door handle to keep the security of the movement, this is the reality of this flimsy blue shithouse. From the uneven platform, the four “breathing holes” drilled into the side, and the chemical smell of minty human decay all the way to the odd film that covers your body for the rest of your years after having a “Happy Shit” there is nothing from this experience one would consider even partially happy. Your daughter’s graduation, winning the lottery, and finding your lucky comb underneath the fridge are happy moments. Time spent in this vertical holocaust… middling at best.
3. Next On The Healthcare Docket: Whooping Cough!
Photo by Andrea Rothe.
Remember when Marvel released that Team-Up featuring erstwhile reporter Ben Urich and Scourge victim The Armadillo? NO ONE DOES BECAUSE IT NEVER HAPPENED. Still, it’s hard to imagine a Team-Up that cool, until the idea of Pampers hooking up with UNICEF to kick the ass of some viral adversary we all lie in fear of at night rises like IHOP bile. Fuck AIDS. Fuck CANCER. While Tetanus is out there, all other diseases need to step off. You never know when an innocent might step on a rusty nail and not have access to rudimentary cleansing tools and a Doc-in-a-Box right around every corner. Once the diaper powerhouse finishes that disease off, it’s on to Tennis Elbow and Hangnails before dealing with lesser villains like Leukemia and Parkinson’s.
4. George Bush: Powered By Ghosts.
Photo by Paul Glenn.
5. “I Will Wash Your Car While Wishing I Had Slaves To Help Me!”
Photo by Josh Kutchin.
I don’t know him, but in my mind Lil’ Donnie Walker truly is a man bursting with Southern Pride. From the Rebel Flag on his truck to the Coors Light he drinks nightly to the sideways glances he gives colored folks as they drive past his shop, nothing is done without the sparkling beacon of home-grown pride. Even when he’s undercutting his Mexican car washers, he does it with pride and the 30 watt smile that got him laid by Patty Fitzhugh in the 11th grade. He proudly supports the troops in Iraq on a variety of fronts:
He watches Red Dawn once a week.
He goes to church every Sunday and prays for them unless there’s a football game on.
He fucks his girlfriend in the tub.
He vows to support the troops even if that rascally Obama bin Biden takes over, though he secretly hopes they launch a homeland strike on him once they return. He is a hero and he’ll get your Mustang clean for under twenty bucks.
I don’t know if my vision of Lil’ Donnie Walker is accurate. I see him in my Mind’s Eye as a man with a sense of irony and in a similar manner that the fattest guy on the football team is often nicknamed “Tiny”, Mr. Walker is 300+ pounds of “Lil'”. Either way, next time you’re in the South on the road and you’ve slammed into either a whole slew of mosquitos or some illegal trying to cross the street, there’s no better place to go than the only car wash in the states that will truly Git ‘Er Done.
6. “You Meant I Gotta Keep Her in the Store Room For a Week Without Putting the Screws to Her?”
Photo by Shann Mehrotra.
I tend to avoid the fancy department stores. Bloomingdale’s? Overrated. Saks? Above me. That said, I think I may give this Hymen Marcus a look-see.
7. Aunt Martha Tastes Au Poivre!
Photo by Tim Pederson.
Who doesn’t like a seasoned woman every once in a while? She’s not adverse to a little rough play, is used to getting a little on her and she rarely complains when you negotiate M.U.S.C.L.E. figures through her cracks and crannies [not to be confused with Nooks and Grannies, Seasoned Woman’s #2 competitor].
That said, seasoned women are not the kind of thing you advertise. Typically you spot them in a seedy bar and make them an offer they can’t refuse/understand due to the stupor. I have a friend who seems to dabble exclusively in seasoned women, and it’s a miracle he’s alive. Especially since I’ve met a few of them and it smelled like they’d been seasoned with rock salt and meconium.
8. How Hip Can They Be if They Use a Pay Phone?
Photo by Brian Costello.
It’s funny to see so much anger being directed towards such a feeble and harmless demographic. I’ve never seen a “Go Away Rapists!” or “Down with the Klan!” graffiti on anything. Not one “Neo-Nazi’s are Jerks!” and nary a “I Hope Wife-Beaters Gaze into the Abyss and see the Abyss Staring Back!”. But someone had the desire to scribble this…
Anyhow, I’m gonna head on over to Pitchfork Media…
9. The Recession Has Affected the Postal Service.
Photo by Justin Waddell.
Fuck! My place got tagged by legendary underground graffiti artist Stephen Tobolowski.
10. Tiny Goats Couldn’t Tear… Well Anything At All, Really…
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
These are miniature goats. Smaller than my dog but three times as Pagan. They exist and are so cute it hurts. I want to hug them and carry them around town with the pride of a newborn’s father. I want to teach them tricks and watch them climb small things with their muscular back legs and deft hooves. I want to hear their tiny goat noises and make tiny blocks of cheese from their adorable little milks.
11. A Moat Icon.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
Some folks near me decided “fuck it, let’s build a castle” and proceeded to do so. Then they lived in it and have for four decades. I have no joke for this.
12. “Every Time I Try to Sync, Jesus Gets Infected with a WORM.”
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
The worst thing about enterprising Churchies is that they have no imagination. They just take something and morph it into being religious themed without really thinking it through.
That’s also the best thing about Churchies.
13. “Your Savior Wears Tight Brown Shorts.”
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
Whatever Brown could do for me, it did it in The Happy Can.
14. Meatier Showers?
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
This was the mandate for the writers of X2 – X-men United. They failed, though I did appreciate the Storm Flesh in Swordfish.
15. The Officially Licensed T-Shirt of 9th Grade Girls.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
Parents who let their tween daughters wear this shirt shouldn’t be too surprised when Dave Davis shows up.
By the way:
“My bones said ‘CHEESE!’ when they got pictured at the doctor office!”
* – Not a Catholic Priest Joke.