Swishy piece of linen Johnny Depp (Nightmare on Elm Street) reportedly “hurt his hand” earlier this month while shooting Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales, bringing the production to a screeching halt and… wait, this is being directed by the Norwegian guys who did Kon-Tiki? Huh. I think I just assumed Rob Marshall was directing. With Javier Bardem as the villain, could this actually be any good? I’m open to being open, although this production has had to sail some particularly troubled waters (Ha! Pirates).

Depp hurt his hand (several sites say it’s a broken wrist, others aren’t specific) in Queensland, Australia, where they’re shooting, but supposedly not while actually shooting anything, which was probably a fun day for Jerry Bruckheimer. Australian news website Gold Coast Bulletin cites a “source” that says he punched a glass door after getting into a drunken argument with his wife over the phone, which, if true, would instantly re-endear me to Johnny Depp. Although when I damage my hand/property in a passionate eruption (usually with Joe Cocker’s “You Are So Beautiful” in the background), I don’t shut down a 250 million dollar movie. I also am not married to Amber Heard. This has led to Depp returning to the United States for an “at-home rehab program” (which sounds suspiciously like just hanging out around his house…celebrities, man) while the production mothballs for an indeterminate amount of time, although the film is still set to be released on July 7th, 2017.

In addition to their main star having a(n) (alleged) drunken meltdown, the production for Pirates 5 was protested by animal rights organizations for their shuttling of Capuchin monkeys (for Barbossa’s pirate monkey, you all remember how hilarious he was) from California to Australia. And, on March 10th a crazed maniac dressed as a pirate broke onto the set and held a knife to a security guard’s throat. Nobody was hurt, and the guy was arrested, but damn. What a mess.