BUY IT AT AMAZON: CLICK HERE!
PLATFORM: Wii
MSRP: $39.99
ESRB RATING: E
PUBLISHER: Majesco
DEVELOPER: Coyote Console











I guess that this is the level where you get to fuck Maria Shriver.




THE PITCH


All the carnival games you ignore at the State Fair have been packaged together for your Wii.



The swatter…it does nothing…NOTHING!


THE PLAY

I don’t want to believe that Majesco hates me, but I’m starting to question their intentions. They play to the Wii’s key market by going after simple games that can be played by novices in the company of their grandparents. Wonder World Amusement Park offers more of the same from the company that seems to have put the shove back into Shovelware. I didn’t have unnaturally high expectations for this game, but I wanted something that was going to last more than three days. Well, if wishes were candy and nuts, then maybe I wouldn’t be looking for a Hot Pocket right now.

The game breaks down into five areas of the theme park. There’s a Pirate land. A future land. There’s about three other lands too, but they’re pretty mediocre. Hell, they’re mediocre and kept hidden behind endless party games. Fuck Mario Party for its legacy of shit party games that we’re almost a decade deep into having.  If you don’t know where I’m going with this by now, you’re as fucking stupid as this game.


Nintendo released some early shots from The John Denver Experience this week.


THE PRESENTATION

The game looks and plays like an epileptic pedophile cruising the street behind an Elementary School. It’s so desperate to latch onto anything that might resemble a good time, but it’s far too shaky to get into any real action. Before anything else I experience, the shaky controls from the opening moments of the game started this experience on a bad foot. I checked my Wiimotes. Hell, I even checked the Wii sensor bar on top of my television. There had to be an explanation for the poor controls.  

I consulted with friends that had played the title before and I got to share in some Next-Gen schadenfreude. There’s a mini-game among the thirty or so included that seems like something that would’ve been at home in Nazi Germany. It’s a little mini-game called Ready Steady. Did I already tell you that the controls handle like Michael J. Fox trying to work his joystick at a Sperm Bank? Well, keep that in mind.

Ready Steady asks of you to help steady your Wiimote and guide your little Wii hand cursor through a hoop. If you touch the edge of the hoop, there’s a buzz and you lose. It’s kind of like Operation, if every time you made the little fucker’s nose glow…someone would stab you in the balls. The sure frustration you will experience at having to master the simpliest of tasks with a shitty hand will make you want to throw the game away. It’s garbage and I don’t appreciate the little Carnival Barker guy’s comments, as he laughs at my many failures.


This makes about as much as sense as the rest of the game.


THE REPLAY

Fuck replaying this. Replaying this game would be like taking Jodie Foster to a Pinball Table convention. Replaying this game would be like licking Tim Curry’s ass sweat. There’s no point to it. Wonder World Amusement Park is an afternoon’s deviation into a world where God hates you and Bristol Palin won’t return your phone calls.  In a word, you’re never going to touch this son of a bitch again.

THE VERDICT

I’ve played a lot of shitty games. Hell, I still own a working Atari 2600 with a working copy of ET. I can even top that shit, I’ve beat Superman on the Nintendo 64. Wonder World Amusement Park asked more of me than those games combined. In the end, I always try to find something nice to say about again, but I was left with only the most trivial pleasantry possible. The disc wasn’t loose in the case. If Nolan Bushnell were here, I’d punch him in the dick. That’s how pissed this game made me. 


Focus all your hatred on this bee. Only then, will you come to understand why this game has to be destroyed.



0.2 out of 10