What

follows is a scattershot bit of random thoughts, links, and images that

showcase the lunacy that exists in the entertainment world and beyond.

Folks who remember my old missives from the old Steady Leak articles

should find this kind of stuff familiar. Folks seemed to get a kick out

of the first installment, and each Wednesday should fall victim to

another installment. Don’t expect anything deep here but something may

tickle your fancy.

ASSORTED DUMB SHIT


1. “I Liked the Flaps… C+.”



Photo by Lisa Lasloff.


This could be a very innocent and harmless license plate so don’t jump to conclusions. It may not be innuendo and could easily just be:

1. The pussy people, having faced endless scrutiny because of the tit people, now feel compelled to have a sizing chart to rival bra manufacturers. It’ll be annoying for a while, what with women having to get sized (HELL. YES.) and all that but I think it’s important to know ALL THE STATS when it comes to the fairer sex. “Gladys is a B-cup but she’s carrying a loaded Double-D in the dungeon”. [ HIGH FIVES]. Or adversely, maybe someone can proudly proclaim that their special someone has a snug Single-A fluid room before slinking off to the fridge for a post coital can of Crunk. Size doesn’t matter? Well shit just got REAL.

2. Gina’s not as wild as we thought/hoped, settling for two in the front but only one in the back.

3. Gina’s wilder than we thought, savoring something so powerful it treats her lower anatomy less like a sexual partner and more like the Beyonder treats Cloak & Dagger.

4. Something pink’s behind the wheel and if you like the gap on the PLATE…




2. Almost as Much a Slam Dunk as Alcoholics for Happy Hour.



Photo by Mark Pilvinsky.



“I would like to apply for a business license.”


“Please fill out these sixty-four forms, sir.”



“Gladly.”


“While do you that I’ll prepare the application. What kind of company are you looking to form?”



“It’s pretty complicated but I’ll try.”


“Try me. I’m the person who got Batteries Plus and The Container Store out the gate and in a few years some of my pet projects will be in strip malls the country over. Just you wait and see. In five years remember where you first heard about Carrion Brokers and Exclusively Tween IUD Wholesalers.”



“We’re Jews who find our religion pretty damn fantastic.”


“OK.”



“That’s our business plan. We even have a sign being made as you and I speak.”


“I can’t feel my legs.”




3. My Cell Battery Died at the Cake Shop.



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


“Honey have dinner without me, looks like I have to spend the next full day ordering this cake you want… what was that… Oh sure I know it’s Uncle Thad’s wake… yeah but they don’t make funeral cake… he died too quickly for me to get a cake here… well tell that to the driver of the harvester… no I’m being facetious, we can’t talk to him until the lawyers… regardless, I’m here at Fuckplurals Bakery and we’re gearing up for the first twelve hours of cake ordering and I’ll have to get off the… I’ll ask but I’m telling you that they don’t get many returns… yeah even on wake cakes… I have to go, five of them are giving me the evil eye.”





4. Herbert West: Ba-Rtender.


Photo by Nick Nunziata.


Drinking a cocktail that can also regenerate the deadflesh of the notliving is a tricky proposition even on the best day, even at the bargain price of $3.00. How am I sure that there’s zombie libations on the docket? Notice the only partially obscured bottle of Rogue Dead Guy Ale. This thing has more layers than The DaVinci Code. Every time I look at this photo I find more meaning. I even showed it to the French Detective on the investigation and all he could do was clutch his chest and fall down. It’s all so damned mysterious.

That said, I’ve never had a magarita.

NO ONE HAS.





5. FUCK MICHAEL PHELPS.


Photo by Nick Nunziata.


Now that the Olympics are over it’s time to see the real best and brightest competitors this amazing country has. I personally am going to stay up late to watch the 20 Meter Listen to How Much Pussy Customer Gets, which is sadly broadcast at the exact same time as the Men’s Relay Keep Vomit Off Pretzels. Thank God for TIVO, because I’ll be at the petting zoo tomorrow when the
Roll Up Sleeves/Carry Tub of Ice Overhead happens.





6. “Um, hello… your sizzling fajitas didn’t sound.”



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


TGI Friday’s cares about their deaf customers so much that they set up a special phone line for them. Of course, it’s a cup with a string that leads to the dishwasher’s Fiat, but it’s the thought that counts.





7. I Mean, I’m a Big Fan of Teddy Salk Too, but Jesus…



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


Well at least Devin’s not a straphanger anymore.





8. “But are they SOFT spots?”


Photo by Nick Nunziata.


I stopped over at the Republican Party National Headquarters and imagine my surprise when I discovered McCain hadn’t chose a running mate.




9. “Instead of a Fancy Book, How’s About the Rest of My Face?”



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


There’s a Mummy 3 making of book. That’s the first time I’ve heard that anyone put pen to paper AT ALL in regards to the film.



10. The Armband is to Remind Him to Be Horrible.



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


When the fuck are kids going to realize that the tight Under Armour shirts are meant to illustrate the UNDER in the name of the product? Yes, they make plenty of OVER stuff now, but these tight shirts, ESPECIALLY when worn with baggy shorts, make the boys of American look like bigger losers than they already are. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve seen this phenomenon in practice and it still rubs me raw. The worst: Kids after football practice in giant padded football pants and a tight white Under Armour shirt. If you can carry helmets, pads, balls, and your cell phone… you can carry a t-shirt to put on when you hit the real world afterward.

These kids shouldn’t be scolded or anything serious. Maybe just get a supporting part in a Jeepers Creepers film or something.




11. Because Why Not Have Eagles On Your Boat Shoes?



Photo by Justin Waddell.


“Bobby Feet’s Custom Shoe Store, where the shoes fit like a glove. A FOOT glove.”


“Yeah, what’s your return policy?”



“30 Days with a receipt if the shoes don’t fit your feet like feet gloves. You the guy with the Vietnam Toes?”


“What the hell?”



“Older dude yesterday with the tricked out foot from the land mine?”


“No.”



“Right on, because I told that dude shit was gonna fit like a mitten for him. Because he had a pinkie toe and just some other shit around it.”


“That’s insensitive.”



“On the contrary man, said there was no sensation in that rotten potato of a meat kickstand.”


“Anyway I need to return my custom eagle shoes.”



“I remember you! We got the dude from that tattoo shop to do them up nice. What’s the problem, man? I love those kicks and it says here on the ticket that you wanted shoes with an eagle on them. Guess what, we slammed that dunk in your face!”


“That is a horrible likeness of Don Henley”.




12. Got Ham City?



Photo by Justin Waddell.


“Even Batman has to eat five guys.”

Sounds like one of the Joker’s more sexy pranks.

I love how Batman is so used to danger that he’s merely bemused at the idea of having to eat a giant hamburger that can see. As if it’s just a typical Tuesday when he has to devour the Sandwich Giant Eyes Value Meal. I think it’s the conceit of Bruce Wayne fueling that indifference. Guy hasn’t had to worry about dough for so long he keeps having to up the ante to get his rocks off. Fuck a model. Fuck nine at once. Caviar and truffles get old. Even eating the skin of the poor loses its appeal, guy has to keep escalating. Next thing you know he’s eating sentient burgers without batting an eyelash. Batting. BECAUSE HE’S THE BATMAN.

Scarier still is the mystery of what Kiss eats.


By the way:



























“Sister’s hair is where I keep most of my pulling!”




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