STUDIO: Warner Brothers
MSRP: $59.98
RATED: Not Rated
Extended Scenes

The Pitch

McG finds a dead horse and beats it off.

The Humans

Peter Facinelli, Bill Bellamy, Paul Gleason and Tiffani Thiessen

Shit, how was it supposed to go? Oh yeah, from the back and to the left. That way, I get off scott free. James Earl Ray had it all wrong. You got to find yourself a depository and a couple of those magic bullets. Then, Earl Warren will play into your hands.

The Nutshell

Fastlane: The Complete Series is the tale of Van Ray (Peter Facinelli) and Deaqon Hayes (Bill Bellamy). They’re two cops working out of a special investigations unit with the help of Billie Chambers. Billie runs the Candy Store which is a cadre of weapons and other cool shit confiscated off of major criminals. Putting together the best of both worlds, it’s up to Van and Deaqon to clean up the streets. Cue a wailing jazz solo or a nu-metal sting and you’ve got a series.

You just called down the lightning, Bender!

The Lowdown

Cops shows have been a staple of American television since its inception. When Miami Vice rolled around, the networks learned that hyperactivity and guns work well. The age of fast cuts and dwindling plots became the norm. But, it wasn’t until McG tried to perfect it with Fastlane, that we hit upon the payload. The payload being fifty-four years of television cop drama reduced to a Michael Bay masturbatory fantasy.

Fastlane focuses on Van and Deaqon, as they try to set the world straight. Billie Chambers is their girl Friday, as she tries to keep the cases straight in the Candy Store. There’s no underlying tension, as Billie is merely a walking vagina that keeps the two men from experiencing the thrill of superstud cosplay. I’m won’t call the show nothing more than twenty-four dress-up adventures starring America’s finest C-list actors. It’s just that I really don’t know how to end that paragraph.

This is ritzy on a FOX budget.

The ability to cool and the ability to be entertaining are actually two different things. Throwing shit at a wall (i.e. car chases, high speed chases, robbery chases, show-off chases, etc.) never seems to work. So, why do people going back to it? Hell, who told Bill Bellamy that he was funny? I spent almost twenty hours of my life trying to find humor in what appears to be a co-opted upper middle-class ethnic worldview.

When the series ended after a single season, I can’t recall a single soul demanding FOX’s blood over the cancellation. There’s really no reason to fondly miss the show. It’s a quick burst of energy and visuals that leaves you in an extreme coma by the end of the episode. I enjoyed the action, but I honestly can’t remember anything else about the show. That’s never a good sign, but I can’t let it take away from the sheer thrill of Jaime Pressly and Tiffani Thiessen’s jacuzzi ratings-boost romp.

Falling on hard times, Mr. Voorhees did many unsavory things to keep the lights on at Camp Crystal Lake for just one more summer.

The Package

Fastlane: The Complete Series arrives on DVD with a standard package. The complete first and only season is brought to the digital format with some degree of skill. The special features are pretty good, but lack any sense of information. But, I don’t need excessive info about what McG thought was cool about the pilot. Oh well, you can’t win them all.

Quality is pretty strong for TV on DVD. I didn’t notice much haze, except for the sunny exteriors in the later episodes. The audio was rather crisp and dynamic for being a television show. But, the fast cars and quick action kind of demanded it. That’s a plus.

Fastlane: The Complete Series has that thing going for it that saves most semi-nostalgia buys. What takes away from the complete experience is the fact that the show is ultimately empty. It’s a big dumb piece of popcorn that’s over once the end credits roll. There are no lasting thoughts and feelings about McG’s television project. Fastlane is what it was meant to be….powerpop fluff.

Ass, gas or grass. Nobody rides the Facinelli for free.

5.1 out of 10