I have to say that Dane Cook has never made me laugh… until now. I find the man to be about as odious a performer as you can imagine (I love that wanting to watch a Dane Cook special is all Adam McKay needs to set up Will Ferrell’s brother as a douchebag in Step Brothers), but his MySpace blog shitting on the poster for his new movie My Best Friend’s Girl, is actually hilarious. Here it is:

Before the downpour let me just say that my new movie, “My Best Friends
Girl,” is the best / funniest film I’ve done yet. It’s got a terrific
cast. Kate Hudson, Alec Baldwin, Jason Biggs, and myself really kicked
the funny around. This movie showcases our talents accordingly as it
expands on them. It’s a fun R-rated flick. An edgy comedy with a dash
of romance.

That being said, let me address the fact that
although I’m not a marketing major, I have a bit of a trusted
reputation after 18 years self promoting. I’d like to inform you I had
no say in this marketing campaign, but if I did, things would be
different since it is obvious that this poster is boring / odd and has
zero to do with the movie I performed in.

Here are a few things
that truly blow about my upcoming movie poster to promote the release
of the film opening on September 19th:

1. Graphics:
Whoever photoshopped our poster must have done so at taser point with
minutes to fulfill their hostage takers deranged obligations. They
should have called Donnie Hoyle and had him give a tutorial using “You
Suck at Photoshop” templates. This is so glossy it makes Entertainment
Weekly look wooden.

2. My head:
The left side of my face
seems to be melting off of my skull. I guess I am looking directly into
the Ark of the Covenant? Are they going for the bells palsy thing here?
My left side looks like Brittany Spears’ vagina.

3. The Stare.
character apparently has fallen in love with a strand of Kate Hudsons
hair. Kate’s mannequin is desperately in love with the inside of my
right ear while Jason is half stunned, half corsage.

4. Lips:
looks like I’m wearing Maybelline Water Shine Diamonds Liquid Lipstick.
My characters name is now Winter Solstice and I’m a hooker with a heart
of gold. Jason is my floral carrying pimp, while Kate is my first trick!

5. Fashion:
character is sporting a very high collar I mean damn they should be
snow capped at that altitude. It’s going for the vampire lurking in the
castle basement vibe. An Olympic pole vaulter would have a tough go
clearing that collar. I’m also able to turn my head comfortably 180
degrees, because I was raised in an abandoned barn by a family of owls.

6. Flesh:
no secret that I’m more rugged facially due to a drunken visit by the
teen acne fairy, but according to this poster I’ve got perfect
porcelain flesh. I look like the fuckin’ bathroom floor at Caesars
Palace. One of Marie Osmond’s dolls would look at me and say “shit …
that guys got flawless skin!”

7. Hair:
It’s actually a close up shot of Tom Sellecks Magnum P.I. mustache they photo-slapped on my noggin’.

8. The set:
Pick one. This entire film takes place:

A. on Gattaca
B. at the Fortress of Solitude
C. inside a crystal wind chime

9. The cast:
Baldwin is so fucking funny in this movie! Is he on the poster? I think
so. He plays the wise talking plant Jason is clutching.

10. Final thoughts:
set out to make a movie like the contemporary men and women, that you
and I respect, are making. My generation of comedians, actors,
directors and producers that I wish to collaborate with as I build a
solid body of work.

Granted, one poster stinking up the joint
isn’t the end of the world. Yet it sends the wrong message about our
movie and I just wanted you to know, that I feel the pain. I really
love the film and I know from past missteps marketing wise that the
wrong poster sends the wrong audience into the theater.

again for all of your support. If you have not seen the red band
trailer (which is excellent and represents the flick accordingly) watch
it below! Just click of the mute button and your rolling!

PS – “Its funny what love can make you do.” I just threw up all over this awful poster.
Wow, wait … it looks better.

Ouch. The poster really is horrible (as is the title, obviously chosen by a marketing firm because it evokes positive reactions due to being familiar thanks to the Cars song), and it’s sort of refreshing to see someone taking a stand against advertising so bad and lazy that you think the first conceptual draft somehow leaked.  I’m sure that this movie is a steaming colon cake, but unless Lionsgate actively HATES the film and wants it to tank as badly as possible, I don’t understand why they would okay a poster as glaringly subpar – just in terms of technique, not even in artistic composition terms – as that one. Kudos to Cook for taking on the man in this case.

By the way, want to really hate humanity? Go to Dane’s MySpace blog and read all the comments from his fans.

Thanks to Jeff Wells at Hollywood Elsewhere for linking this in the first place.