What

follows is a scattershot bit of random thoughts, links, and images that

showcase the lunacy that exists in the entertainment world and beyond.

Folks who remember my old missives from the old Steady Leak articles

should find this kind of stuff familiar. Folks seemed to get a kick out

of the first installment, and each Wednesday should fall victim to

another installment. Don’t expect anything deep here but something may

tickle your fancy.

ASSORTED DUMB SHIT


1. “I’ll Race You To That Tree… I’m In Love With The Tree Now.”



Photo by Justin Waddell.


This place pleases me, which is odd since I loathe Chromomancer Pursuit just down the way.



2. Zero-to-Frolic in One Easy Step.



Photo by Jeremy Butler.


I’ve never been so compelled to be trapped in a trunk. Well, Out of Sight notwithstanding. I’d go as far as to say it’s a coin toss between Lopez and Clooney as to whom I’d like to be trapped in the trunk with in that instance, but that’s just a movie. THIS IS REAL LIFE.

This illustration should win the JD Power & Associates Award for most desirable automotive safety illustration. This little schematic tells us it’s perfectly cool to be a hostage, a tween playing a prank, or a presumably dead stabbing victim en route to the burying place just so long as you give the handle a tug and make it a priority to jump for joy upon your sweet release. You must frolic. You must vibrantly bounce about. It’s the only way one should EVER exit a trunk of traps.




3. 5.0’s on 3.1.



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


Sorry about the blur. The cop in question was walking up on me and I had to snap before he realized I was doing reconnaissance on his shit. What drew my attention wasn’t the arsenal of man-ruining items in the front seat, the high toned son of a bitch engine (or motor if you’re a redneck), or the back seat scarechamber for perps. It was the laptop attached to the console busting out the circa 1995 3-D pipes screensaver. I envision this guy hauling ass down highway 85 in hot pursuit, buring five kinds of rubber. Then I envision him trying to get the readout of the thug’s rap sheet only to have the system resource hogging screen saver lock his Microsoft Bob system up and cause him to lose sight of his quarry. The MIS director at the station started installing this shit on the computers and the Paper Clip popped up and said “Are you sure about that, Jack?” before attempting to conduct a tiny digitized citizen’s arrest. I’m not sorry about the blur anymore.



4. BULLHORN: “The Sneak Attack Is Coming!


Photo by Nick Nunziata.


“Is anyone here?”


WHOOOOOOOOSH!



“Hai.”



“Yeah, I got your coupon at the roller rink and I figured I’d learn how to stab a guy from a tree branch or something.”


“Excellent! I have been secretly training you ever since you walked in the door. Enjoy this crimson belt.”



“Oh that’s sneaky. I feel the martial spirit washing over me right now.”


KNOCK! KNOCK!



“Must hide. Go behind that bamboo.”


“”What the hell was that all about?”


“Randrord.”


“Wow, a mask! Thanks! Can you take this Diner’s Club card for payment?”



“Shuriken.”




5. Evidence.


Photo by Nick Nunziata.


BARTENDER TO CUSTOMER: “Four guys walk into a theater and buy tickets to Midnight Meat Train.”

ASSISTANT BARTENDER: “There is no punchline.”

[CUSTOMER LAUGH/COUGH/CRIES]


ACROSS TOWN FOUR MEN KILL THEMSELVES OTHER IN FOUR SEEMINGLY UNRELATED SUICIDES.




6. If Shoes Could Kill.



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


What the fuck are they? They’re not anything I can understand with my limited mankind thoughts. They’re not ballet shoes, because they’re not built for grace and neither is their owner. They’re not walking around shoes because they look how stink would look if stink could be cobbled. They’re not loafers. They’re not tennis shoes. They’re not even shoes. That they build nightmares is all I can think about. They’re discolored to the point where anyone else would have buried them and scorched the earth above them months earlier. There’s a toe hole so we can see the unclean beneath. I’m seriously getting nauseous thinking about this shit right now. Holy God I think puke just happened. Yep, there’s a little of it right there on my pinkie.



7. SIGN AT ENTRANCE AND EXIT TO NORTH KOREA.



Photo by Chris Miller.


I won’t!


8. Just Out of Frame: Runned Over Iraqi!


Photo by John Makarewicz.


This man loves America SO MUCH.

He can’t get close enough to it. Even when pressed to the soil in his front lawn with his tongue in a freshly dug/fucked hole he feels too far to emphasize the amount of love bursting in him. He wants to hold America so tight that it sucks the life from America. He’ll stroke America’s hair while he clings to it in the shower, feeling the warmth seep from America down the drain. He stares at the drain. “Made in Singapore”, it says. He grits his teeth, hugging America ever closer until it starts to stiffen in his arms. He beats at the drain, screaming at it. He holds to America tightly as he reaches for a screwdriver to pry the infidel drain loose. He does and he presses America to it until little pieces of America slide into the empty hole, filling the once impure maw with America. He cries, hugging what’s left of America tightly as he does. He drags America into the garage where Kenny Chesney bellows from an Emerson boom box. He scrubs his Dodge 4×4 while looking at America on the floor, part of America’s jaw hanging at an odd angle. He stops scrubbing and fucks America all night long until his skin is raw and America is shaped more like South America. He spits and starts anew…


9. Havok’s Menstruating Again!



Photo by Corran L.


There’s absolutely no activity to do in this wonderful world that this schematic would help, yet no activity that wouldn’t greatly be enhanced by the instructions presented in this schematic.


10. Streeter Trash.



Photo by Corran L.


“Don’t talk to Clarence like he’s an idiot!”


“I’m not trying to, but…”



“Hush it. Right now! Not another peep!”


“You just can’t cook Hot Pockets in the middle of street. There’s cars and…”



“Son of a bitch do you even have listening? Clarence cooks where he wants and watch when he eats what he cooks right there too. Can’t fight the urge to instantly eat! Clarence is mortal you know!”


“It’s dangerous, but… how are you powering your street microwave?”



“Clarence’s business, but now I got your interest. Now your gears are turning. Come to the middle of the eat with me and see how good my cooks are!”



11. The Slimming Qualities of BLACK.



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


No.



12. Protect the Children.



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


This is the only image the authorities have of the “Tiny Bonnie and Hairy Clyde” whose swath of destruction has the community gripped with fear.



13. “Just Got to the DMV, Ran Out of Creativity.”


Photo by Nick Nunziata.


“Sorry about the three hour wait.”


“Huh?”



“You’re in line at the DMV, sir.”


“OK, I’ll have the number five food, value sized…”



“Sir, you have come here to… let me see the paperwork in your hand. You want a custom tag, yes?”


“Oh yeah! I remember wanting one of those and I drove somewhere!”



“You didn’t fill out the form. What do you want the tag to read?”


“I can’t even see right now. I’ll be honest, you could tell me to run into the wall and I’m so out of it I will.”



“Shall I fill this out for you, sir?”


“Please don’t put mustard on my food, miss. I hate it when mustards…”



“I’ll process this for you, sir. Enjoy your tag.”


14. “At This Church You’ll Love Crafts!!”



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


First two times I drove past, I could swear it was advertising a Cthulhu-themed church. Then I WISHED it was, having seen my chagrin brought to the fore by the mere, generic sameness of this Lutheran church (TRIVIA: This building used to be a sporting goods store). Now, I’m taking matters into my own hand, depositing souls at the tentacle altar I built out of twigs and McDonald’s wrappers in the vestibule.


15. You’ve Been Cooking Wrong.



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


My recipe’s a little different. It has the fully alive and feathered chicken off to the right of the buns.




16. This is RRReally Helpful.



Photo by Andrea Rothe.


I was skeptical at first when the Mel Tillis Advertising Agency was formed.




17. Jeffrey Dahmer, Medalist.



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


I always get into arguments over the way you can’t be a professional at something and still participate in the Olympics. As a result I have to stay at home instead of competing in MY SPORT.













By the way:



























“Post office popcorn not as good as microwave!”


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