It looks like word has leaked that we made changes in adapting Watchmen to the big screen. More than anyone, I understand how much this property means to you people. I assure you, I would never do anything to corrupt its original integrity. Every change has been made with utmost respect to the source material.

To allay your fears, I have compiled a list of all the changes we’ve made. Hopefully after perusing it, we can all be friends again…

1. The team is actually given the name “Watchmen” in the film. This is just to simplify things for an audience not familiar with the comic.

2. The “death of the Comedian ” scene has been lengthened somewhat. The ensuing fight is by no means arbitrary. It highlights the struggle and hidden heroism of Edward Blake’s character.

3. Some of the lines, particularly Dr. Manhattan’s “Nothing ever changes”, are now said by different characters. I did this to maximize time economy without suffering thematic losses. Hopefully these don’t offend you too much. It’s part and parcel with adapting such a rich work. Peter Jackson also did this with Lord of the Rings.

4. The character of Adrian Veidt, drawn big and strong in the comic, is portrayed by Mathew Goode, a scrawny, little gay dude. I did this because no one’s going to believe that “the smartest man in the world” is also a bodybuilder.

5. Nite Owl II is still a crafty inventor, but he now buys all his building components from Home Depot. Don’t worry, we used their 1980’s logo.

6. We edited out dialog regarding to Rorschach’s foul body odor simply because audiences can’t smell characters. Duh! In the prison sequence, I instructed Jackie Earle Haley to smile more. We really want him to be the film’s break-out character!

7. I would never stoop so low as to put clothes on Dr. Manhattan. Yes, this is a rated R movie made for mature adults, and no, we have not omitted his penis. I had the CG guys make it smaller than mine, is all.

8. Sally Jupiter does not appear in the film because I never understood what her significance was anyway. Instead, the camera lingers on Moloch’s Penthouse magazines. Oh, Moloch looks at Penthouse magazine now.

9. Despite what you’ve heard, the squid is still in the picture. Only now he’s a villain with a squid-head named “ARM-EE” and his signature move is the “MOTIONLESS INK BLOT”. As it turns out, the ink which floats around Rorschach’s mask is his, and he’s come to “TAKE IT BACK MOTHERFUCKER!” Dr. Manhattan defeats him by tying each of his eight tentacles to different FedEx trucks. When his head explodes it’s all like, slo-mo, then fast-mo, then regular-mo and shit. In victory, Dr. Manhattan puts Rorschach on one shoulder and Nite Owl on the other and they all go to Mars where David Bowie puts on a concert just for them.

10. Rorschach’s mother will look different than in the comic because that role was cast based on a reality show contest. Congratulations, Susan Jorgenson!

I’m fairly certain those are all the changes. I hope you will be big enough to acknowledge that adapting a comic book is no easy task and that sacrifices must be made. Seriously, I’d like to see you try it some time. Assholes.

See you on March 6th!

(three stars)