You ever seen a guy jacked up with muscles who looks baffled as hell as to why he got that way? Just a total sad sack ripped to shit but with no purpose in America? I see them all the time, folks who get up one day and seem to realize they have been working out for ninety-four straight days and haven’t eaten solid food since Jesus was in office. People who have invisibly crossed the lines and shifted between admirably fit to well-stacked hoss before moving on to malevolent humungoid.

And God forbid he gets an itch on his shoulder. Imagine the names he’ll be called when he asks his spotter to scratch for him. Flurries of muscles and sinew toiling both in the foreground and in the muscle mirror behind them as they grapple, pausing only to check out their pulsing baltoids in the reflection. Just to make sure they’re still amazing and veiny.

That’s how Mr. Venom looks in the picture to right.

You see, he cannot comprehend how an alien symbiote would latch onto his person and create the illusion of hard earned musculature when drippy alien blacksauce is infinitely more scary. He cannot get why an alien goo would bother to make a giant set of drooly teeth, a tongue that’d make Lily Thai’s wee-wee tingle, and a bastardized rip on the Spider-Man Logo when lithe alien ooze over a struggling human is far scarier.

These are the thoughts that make me less of a reporter and more of a nuisance.

Sony is considering giving Venom a chance for his close-up. A spinoff film for the CGI monstrosity who was well-executed but blown to smithereens [collateral damage: Pat DiNizio] in Spider-Man 3. Funnily enough, Sony seems to be angling to go a different route than Topher Grace to headline the film even though his agents say that they can get Sony a Topher by three o’clock this afternoon. WITH nail polish. The reasoning being that Mr. Grace isn’t a big enough star to headline a film about an amorphous villain ripping shit up on someone’s hard drive.

Name a bigger star than Topher Grace who’d want to play Venom. Then tell me how much bigger a star Tobey Maguire was when Spider-Man started filming. Then tell me why the people that would pay to see a Venom film care who plays the skin and bones version of the character whether he be named Eddie Brock, Smashy O’Neill, or Patience Price? Then tell me why I bother trying to apply logic to this equation.

Apparently a gentleman named Jacob Estes wrote a draft but the studio’s looking for a new one. Me personally, I’d do a Maximum Carnage storyline. I mean, if you’re going to make a movie about a cool looking but .06-dimensional character why not unload with the tendrils of hate belonging to the whole alien goo [the twist is that it’s Galactus semen] family and call it a day?