I Know It Was You, Old Lady!

I hope you’re reading this.  I hope you’re reading this and you know what you’ve done.

I’m finally over my cold.  It took me a couple long, dark days to do it but I’ve made my way back to a healthy state.  It was touch-and-go for awhile.  I had a few days of light sleep, followed by some coughing and a sore throat for the ages. 

That’s all in the past.  I feel better, life is good.  But, I finally figured it out.  I’ve narrowed down all the suspects and can now state that it was that old lady six days ago who got me sick.

You see, Valentine’s Day is a busy time at my job.  We are in the chocolate business and every Dick and Jane want to buy some candy for their loved ones in February.  The place gets swamped, people grabbing and talking, asking questions, writing checks, standing in line, making small talk.  It gets quite cramped. 

It was in one of those cramped, busy moments that I helped an elderly lady with a box of chocolates for her grandson.  She was a loud woman, constantly making bad jokes and asking for a lot of red ribbon.  At the end of the transaction, moments before I bid her farewell, the woman sneezed into her hand.  Seconds later — ONLY SECONDS — she handed me a crisp hundred dollar bill for her order.  I hardly thought about it at the time but now I realize what she did.  Her bill was covered in plague and I was the recipient of her virus.  Less than one day later, I began to sneeze and my throat became tender and sore. 

It’s time to settle the score.  Listen here old lady, if you read this I want a confession.  I don’t know your name, I don’t know your story but I do know that you cost me a couple days of productivity because of your negligence.   All I want is an apology.  So get to it, apologize to me.  You can do it online or come into my work.  You can send me a letter or a card in the mail.  But you better do it.  Soon.

……

Too shy, eh?  It’s okay, you don’t have to say that you’re sorry.   I’m not the only one who saw this happen.  I have several witnesses, old lady!  We will find you and we will FORCE you to apologize to me.  Maybe you don’t understand how serious this situation was.  I had to drink glass after glass of water, old lady!  I was peeing all day long!  I could hardly speak!  It was so bad, in fact, that I wasn’t even fit enough to go barhopping with some friends.  Do you know what that does to a person, old lady?  Do you have any idea?

So, fine, don’t apologize.  Live with your actions.  I hope you’re able to get some sleep because I sure wasn’t.  When I was suffering from the cold you gave me I only got seven hours of sleep – MAX!  Everyone knows I need eight and half to fully charge my batteries. 

That’s all I wanted to say.  I just wanted to inform you that you’ve been found out.  Sleep well old lady.  I know what you’ve done.  Guess who else knows?  God.  Let him be the judge.