THE LIST OF DUMB #30

What

follows is a scattershot bit of random thoughts, links, and images that

showcase the lunacy that exists in the entertainment world and beyond.

Folks who remember my old missives from the old Steady Leak articles

should find this kind of stuff familiar. Folks seemed to get a kick out

of the first installment, and each Wednesday should fall victim to

another installment. Don’t expect anything deep here but something may

tickle your fancy.

1. Rivaling Only Palpatine Himself in Being a Mysterious Dark Lord.

I wanted to see the driver but I really didn’t. Anyone who makes the effort to get a custom tag only to use “The Sith” probably should just be slammed into a utility pole for our own good. Nothing against the driver [And I apologize if the driver is Pinakin Thesith of Istanbul], but they’re the worst human being in the entire world, including the guy who stepped on the kitten bag.

2. Namorita Has Let Herself Go.

Martha graduated Magna Cum Laude at Yale. She was going to write the definitive novel about the experience of growing up poor in the slums of Mt. Pleasant, South Carolina. She was gifted enough with the woodwinds that she was offered a seat in the Toronto Pops Orchestra. She was the only person to score perfectly on the SAT, the LSAT, and Bubble Bobble 2.

Bobby Rutherford was a mechanic and he came in her. Nine months later, they were the proud parents of Billy. Martha realized that Billy was the joy of her life and channeled all of her energies into him. He became her essence. Her every moment was geared towards Billy’s joy. She supports each and every hobby the elfin tot has.

If Billy drowns Martha is fucked.

3. The Wrong Three Got Shot.

I envision people assembling this puzzle with one hand as they use the other to scratch their head and say “What the fuck?” over and over and over.

4. The Only Bed Approved By Hider in the House.

Segregation still fucking happens. Wall Beds. Murphy Beds. Hatfield Beds. McCoy Beds. It’s a shame that a Nunziata bed is just an inner tube with a pack of gum off to the side.

5. “Hey Fattie, Try and Fit in This!”

I overheard the sales pitch Curves uses to lure new clients.

“Hi, I’m thinking about using your club.”

“Which is why I’m here. The lady at Lane Bryant said this was a discreet club.”

“Sir can you help me? I let myself go a little and need to get back into shape.”

“OK…”

“I was thinking maybe do some treadmill first…”

“You have the bedside manner of Genghis Khan.”

6. No seriously, BUY THEM!

It’s always good when a bookstore reminds you that they sell printed shit. This sign doesn’t need to exist. They should do a sign if the football magazines were not for sale under any circumstances.

“Despite the fact we exist only to sell this exact thing we regret to inform you that you need to go to the yogurt shop down the way if you want to own a football magazine. We’ll be over here displaying football magazines with prices printed on the cover on our retail magazine rack but don’t get any ideas, fuckface. – The MGMT”


7. The Official Magazine of Alien Nation.

The pages are printed from ink featuring real curdled milk and Peter Criss’s blood.


8. Excluded from the Toxicology Report:

So much cuter than my Jon-Erik Hexum bobblehead.

9. And the Award for ‘Bird With Most Consternation’ Goes To….

“Fucking bullshit, man. I got here at three o’clock in the goddamn morning, twenty five minutes before Leroy and almost an hour before Scott. Leroy is here for like five seconds and a nightcrawler practically jumps out of the ground and into his throat. Scott, he had to wait a whole four minutes. Here I am, I skip the shit-by at the park and miss a sure thing screw with Lacey Chesterson over at the clocktower so I can be here first and get the worm. Now it’s the middle of the day and my beak fell asleep. Early bird my ass. I’m tired of the lies. Next time I see Leroy I’m going to kick him at a hawk, see how he likes that shit…” 

10. Your Source For Woolen Batsuits.

Hunter Sliwa is a huge fan of Batman. He LOVES buying comic books with his hard-earned Burger King paycheck and loves to thumb through the pages of pictures and stuff. Sometimes he’ll make out a series of these glyphs and remember the sequence as a word. Like “Gun”. Mostly he likes the pictures. Sometimes he gets confused because the picture is of Batman sitting and talking to Alfred and he has to try and discover what is happening with the story. Too many times they have Batman doing things with talking and not punching or swinging around. It make sit harder for Hunter to understand. Hunter got himself a Hyundai. In black, like the Batmobile. Sometimes he’ll go out into the night streets and pretend he’s Bruce Wayne looking for crimes. He saved up some extra cash and him a custom license plate too. If he gets promoted to the bun machine, Hunter might get his GED so he can become assistant manager. One step closer to Gotham.

11. Anton LaVey’s Hard Work Has Finally Paid Off.

I’ve heard about the witchcraft but never seen the results. Until now. I’ll be damned, an actual Foam Golem.

12. The Unattainable Primate.

“Everyone thinks that we prizes want to be got. Me, I like it here up in this safe chamber with all my soft friends. Who knows what you’ll do if you win me. Might throw me in the trunk. I’ll burn up, get all oily. You can try and get me, but you ain’t. I’m staying right here no matter what, cocksucker. Don’t be trying to shake the machine either. I ain’t letting you. You can bring an earthquake to this room and I ain’t letting go. Don’t you think about breaking this glass either. I’ll swing the suctioned shards at your jugular because I’m one monkey who can’t be got.”

13. Jeff Healey, Proofreader.

“This paper clip on the screen says something is wrong with the text. What should I…”

“HIT PRINT YOU SON OF A BITCH NOW OR I’LL HIT YOU IN THE FACE WITH THIS SHARPENED TRIPOD!”

14. So Much For My Script, The Time-Traveling Virgin.

My math might be off, but the Bethlehem Abortion Clinic and Dry Cleaner didn’t open up until 4 A.D.

15. Probably Didn’t Need That Second Word…

Actually, I’ll all for churches that crash in the Andes.

By the way:

Message Board Thread.