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RATED Not Rated
STUDIO Wild Eye Releasing
RUNNING TIME 85 Minutes
- Commentary track with Cary Hill
“Adventureland meets Friday the 13th. But way, way, way, way…way more boring. Like, way more.”
Wendy Wygant, Nicole Beattie, Kevin ‘Ogre’ Ogilvie, Doug Bradley, and some other people
On the final night of operation for “Fright Land,” two mysterious murderers begin maiming the management. But perhaps something else is afoot behind these murders?
…meh. Not really.
I mean, there’s no bones about it. This is one terrible movie. I mean, it’s not even good from a, “So bad, it’s good” place. It’s just poor. There’s no entertainment value, save for seeing all of the perfunctory beats that the film has to hit in order to be considered a movie. The only good part might be a security guard watching Night of the Living Dead in the movie. And that’s a really good movie, too.
The characters are so outrageously flat, it’s making me punch right through the computer now. We have our virginal lead that becomes kickass by the end, we have a creepy adult that isn’t what he seems, the bad boy with a heart of gold, the sexy couple that doesn’t do anything except get some sexy times, and a geek.
And, I mean, the nutshell of the movie is pretty much the entire movie. The pacing is so poor, it’s making me kick the computer right now. While I understand that, you know, these things might not exactly be, you know, important to the filmmakers, I expect a film to stop having two seconds of silence between each line of dialogue said. It’s basic human conversation cadence! It should be natural to anyone that makes a movie because it’s tremendously difficult to make a movie! And you have to have lots of conversations to make movies!
“But the kills!,” the horror fan reading this review said. “Surely, the kills must be good! That’s always a redeeming quality of terrible horror–”
I’m stopping that dialogue right there because no, there aren’t good kills. One time a roller coaster car stops, which causes guts to fly out, but the execution (no pun intended) is so poor, it made me throw my computer across the room. Anytime there is a hint of creativity towards…well, anything, it cuts to a VERY TIGHT SHOT that was done two days before the film was delivered, I’m sure. I understand cheap filmmaking, but, please, put some creativity SOMEWHERE in the movie.
It’s poorly lit, the dialogue is poorly recorded, and the film is so bad, it made me destroy my computer, which is why I’m writing this at a public library next to an entire family, and now they’re making weird eyes at me because I’m threatening to smash the public computer! There is nothing good in this film. Well, if you enjoy nudity, there’s about two seconds of nudity in the movie, but then there’s nothing. There is not one good thing in this movie and I don’t like it.
Filling the package up are some “bloopers,” which were things that the filmmakers deemed funny, but are inaudible or terrible. Along with this, we have some trailers for some more terrible movies, then a COMMENTARY TRACK from the director, who is 50% interested in the fact that he made a movie and 50% interested in the fact that he hit all the tropes of 80’s slasher flicks. Because it’s an homage, you see.
Rating: Out of a Possible 5 Stars
Out of a Possible 5 Stars