Q: What do you call Conan the Barbarian with giant breasts, red hair, and a sword?
Red Sonja is a busty beast who burst from her bustier and the pages of four-color pulp a few decades back, loosely based on the work of Robert E. Howard but more a product of the comic book world. Coming out in the pages of the beefy old Conan funnies, she eventually rose in popularity enough to have her own comic and her own Bridgette Neilsen holocaust. She likes swinging swords, wearing Cher’s hand-me-downs, and having hot scrawmps with barbarians.
The carpet also matches the shit outta the drapes.
Robert Rodriguez, hell-bent on making Rose McGowan his own personal titmuse, produced a feature film adaptation of Red Sonja based exclusively on absolutely no demand whatsoever for the return of the fiery maned slicer of men and the teaser poster has just arrived at MTV [because of course they should have a film exclusive] and looks like a mixture of Sin City, 300, and the masturbation fantasy of the world’s only remaining Cry for Dawn fan.
A tiny piece of the image is to the left here but you can see the whole thing RIGHT HERE. Then you can watch the new Jonas Brothers video, because why maintain your own personal value system?
I can’t stand Red Sonja as a filmic property for a lot of the same reasons I can’t understand why people keep buying Dynasty Warriors games. I can only handle so much slashing and semi-tough dialogue before I want to punch the vas defererns out of myself. There’s always a chance ex-mates Rodriguez, McGowan, and Sonja director Douglas Aarniokoski can make this a fun romp but I just can’t muster the enthusiasm for it.
Maybe I’m just dead inside and too cynical for a world that has passed me by.
Or maybe Red Sonja’s a dreadful twat.