Nia Vardalos is proud of her Greek heritage. Too proud.

I think if she had her druthers there’d be Greek-only water fountains and Greek-only bath houses where only Greeks could rub themselves in Grecian privacy and discover the secret of the Ouzo all by their Greeklonesomes. If we as a people continue to be absorbed into what makes us different rather than our similarities where will we be when the alien intelligence arrives? We need to operate as one, not disassociated tendrils. I am a member of humanity first, THEN a man, THEN an Italian-American man, and only THEN as an Italian-American man with impeccable taste who dresses slightly to the right. In the grand scheme who gives a damn about Nia’s Peoples?

Nia inexplicably made it big with the horribly bland My Big Fat Greek Wedding before trying her hand at something completely different on television with My Big Fat Greek Life. A tragedy.

As she hones her scripts for The Midnight Crete Train, The Scarlet Feta, and Total Greekall she’s been busy playing a Greek in a film shot in Greece! Way to mix it up, Nia! Nice to see you Aegean gracefully.

My Life in Ruins (the pun is palpable) is her latest theatrical night insertion as a Greek screenwriter and Greek actress. She co-stars with the only actor to perform a Hadoken on Devin Faraci and the almost-not-funny-at-all Harland Williams. The film centers on a travel guide in Greece who finds herself amidst the shattered buildings that were new when Greece was a factor in anything aside from luring American basketball players [Josh Childress, stay home! We need you!].

The film is finished. Fox Searchlight is distributing it. That’s not really news worth writing. This article only exists for me to be a dick for a while. You may now click away.