Way back in 2008 some guy managed to get himself pregnant, and I had to sue his trash-stashed ass for copyright infringement. I’m the guy who made Junior. If you’re a dude who wants to lactate, you have to go through me.

Junior has a fairly straightforward and awesome plot. Two scientists at an upscale University face major layoffs if they don’t start coming up with usable, grant-getting science. See? It’s already two minutes as good as Ghostbusters! The scientists are trying to impregnate chimpanzees with human babystuff in hopes that a chimp/chump hybrid will give them a faux sasquatch off which they can make millions in ticket sales.

The apes aren’t getting as human pregnant as the scientists hoped. Desperate to keep their jobs, they decide to test their odd-pregnancy drug on themselves to see what’s fucked up about it. Guess what? Unless you’re a chimp, it works just fine!

The genius of this film lies in the casting. Pregnant scientist is played by none other than Conan the Austrian. The other doctor, who in reality is probably more suited to have a baby in his gut, is played by none other than Rumplestilskin PhD. Even without a baby this is a funny role for Conan because he’s playing such a straight-laced nerd. People think it’s amazing that a man gets pregnant in this film, but the real miracle is that he’s a virgin. Yes, this is a story about Christ’s resurrection, and you were all too judgmental to pick up on it.

But just like Mother Mary, he doesn’t stay a virgin long. As his tummy gets competition-sized, Emma Thompson shows up to give the film a 2nd Act-filling love interest. If you don’t think Emma Thompson falling in love with Conan the Terminator is funny, then you need to go back to church. The script says they fall in love simply because they’re both nerds, but I added some motivation for her character. It turns out, she loves portly men because her uncle was a portly man and she had sex with her uncle and he was really sensitive to her needs as a lover.

He gets her pregnant. Their love is so strong (cause he’s a former Mr. Universe) that the baby is ready to come out right when his is. On top of that, Rumplestilskin’s lady is pregnant, too. (She was knocked up by Aerosmith.) Thus, the movie ends with not one, but three (!) of babies being born. Only half of them have down syndrome.

Look, I know you hate this film. And yes, when I say “you” I am referring to the entire human race minus Sam Strange and his dog, Arnoldfan#4. You should really give it another chance. It’s good. Not as good as The Dark Knight or The Happening, but good nonetheless.

(three stars)