What

follows is a scattershot bit of random thoughts, links, and images that

showcase the lunacy that exists in the entertainment world and beyond.

Folks who remember my old missives from the old Steady Leak articles

should find this kind of stuff familiar. Folks seemed to get a kick out

of the first installment, and each Wednesday should fall victim to

another installment. Don’t expect anything deep here but something may

tickle your fancy.

ASSORTED DUMB SHIT


1. Remember the Marvel Team-Up with Northstar and Arthur Ashe?



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


This is worse. Though I hear that clam juice mixed with tomato juice mixed with alcoholic juice is surprisingly good, I don’t want to ever hear of it spoken with human words. I’m sure if you blindfolded me and fed me strawberry dungeness crab milkshakes I’d probably find some silver lining to the ordeal. Doesn’t mean it should happen. It should never happen. This should never happen. Now, since I think Bud Lite and Budweiser are almost worse than Clamato, this isn’t a case of two negatives making a positive. This is scum fuck.



2. “Hello, I Am Just As Baffled As You Are.”



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


I own this item. I’m both prouder than a new father and embarrassed as if I’m a new father who left the car seat on the roof and drove into a fire. It was unlabeled, soiled, and adorned with a sticker that dared a person to spend a dollar on it. I did, and the modern day Louisiana Purchase occurred. This creature stands proudly on the television set in our living room. The place we ‘entertain’. The room where we spend a lot of time. From time to time I’ll see my daughter run by holding it as it goes to do battle or become best friends with Godzilla and King Ghidorah. This being is a part of my family. I feel an Olan Mills visit coming on.




3. Speaking of Northstar…



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


The day that visiting Rod-Land is suitable for all ages is the day I drop the facade of not being an omnisexual.



4. You’ll Go Cuckoo for CarCars!


Photo
by Nick Nunziata.


There is a car dealer named Mike Patton. He even has a logo that looks like it could be for a musical act. If this dealer’s specialty is taking backstage shits to terrorize his co-workers, consider me a Mike Patton client for life.




5. “Yeah, I’m Talking to YOU, Levitarr!”


Photo by Andrea Rothe


Brookstone’s implores their customers not to sit on the chairs they have set up in the store. Which is fine, but…



Photo by Andrea Rothe


…the chair is five feet in the goddamn air! I can just imagine what brought this sign into existence.


“Dad, I know I promised I’d never shelfsit again, but that chair up there is calling my name.”


“Chairs cannot speak, and if they could they probably couldn’t pronounce Muesli Vermithrax.”



“Regardless, I feel the need to climb and sit.”


“There are massaging chairs littering the floor here. Literally, you cannot move in here without hitting one.”



“Screw it Pops. I love you but my ass is going to be up there if you need it.”




6. “Caesar Hath But One Request and That Request is Thine Lita Ford Cassingle!”



Photo by Andrea Rothe


This is the highest priced item at a particular jewelry store in the affluent Perimeter Mall in Atlanta. The little sign next to the bust is a disclaimer about their insurance company only allowing one of these items on display at once. It’s an elite item is what they’re saying. Something for the proud and few. Which is cool, until you realize that the thing hanging from the ancient-esque bust’s neck looks like something the bass player from Saxon had at his garage sale before he had to sell his garage, his house, and his bass. Now all he has is a bus pass and a fleece jogging suit, but he has his memories. Touring as the opening act to the opening act for Helloween. That time their video almost
got played on the Headbanger’s Ball. When the lead singer convinced those blind girls that they were the Vinnie Vincent Invasion. Playing Discs of Tron at the arcade near Billy Sheehan’s house. “One more memory to make”, he thinks. “Can I trade this bus pass and this jogging suit for a handgun and a bullet?”.





7. They’ve Mapped the Human G-Gnome!



Photo by Andrea Rothe.


Your two favorite things combined! Billy Barty and School Spirit!


8. Overheard at the Trademark Office: “Am I Really Doing the Paperwork for This Object?”


Photo by Justin Waddell.


If I own a restaurant, we’ll be a strictly Cockpull enterprise. What this sign tells customers is this:

“We are willing to spend hundreds on a patended oddity, force our employees to wash vigarously and use their foot for something a foot isn’t made for but will under no circumstance plunk down the pocket change for a disinfectant wipe for the doorknob you surely don’t have the balls to use. You ain’t using that doorknob, pussy. We paid for the goddamn
Footpullamd it is Footpull you will use. Shit, I can’t believe I let the Footpull salesman corner me at church.”


In case you want to know your enemy:


Photo by Justin Waddell.




9. The Artist Could Not Be Reached For Comment, Was Flinging Own Shit At The Time.



Photo by Justin Waddell.


Well, you know the old saying in the art community… 

“Whatever is great is greater with a Crowned Forest Monkey In Loose-Fitting Clothes.”



10. Parkinsons Made Jimmy A Better Pal.



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


How do you not buy a product from Friendship? I don’t care if it’s the Buddy Destroyer 9000, I feel compelled to trust the Friendship Brand. This has gotten me in hot water in the past when I bought the Friendship Bris-in-a-Box, not to mention that evening the wife and I shared a box of Friendship Apartheid Chips.























By the way:



























“Mother forgot me wrinkling in the pool floating all night long!”


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