You may remember John Woo. He was a seminal Hong Kong filmmaker in the 80’s and a fun if stifled filmmaker in the United States in the 90’s. Doves. Men with guns in each hand? Slow motion? Ring a bell? Sarcasm aside, the guy was such a champ back in the days of The Killer, Hard Boiled, and A Better Tomorrow that it was maddening to see him hamstrung in fun movies like Hard Target and Face/Off. And those are his BEST English speaking films.

Since 1997 he’s been not only disappointing but flat out bad. When I saw Paycheck I wanted to hop on a plane to wherever Mr. Woo was resting and kick him in the hips. Still, because of his body of work I keep harboring hope that the aggressive and inventive guy who won our hearts will return. He’s not getting any younger and frankly, neither am I.

In addition to the other projects he’s “attached” to, Woo has just added Calibur to the mix. Dig this, it’s an adaptation of a high concept comic book property being revealed at this year’s San Diego Comic Con.

“Is it a zombie comic?” you beg.

It is not. It is King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table re-imagined as gunslingers in the 19th century. Calibur? Get it? Go fuck yourself.

There’s no way we’ll ever see this movie, just like we’ll never see many of the other movies that come out of this business of mixing comic book ‘ideas’ with film companies. Especially ones that haven’t even been printed yet. One of these days people will realize that taking two familiar things and smashing them together like a Coldstone Treat only gets you so far. I can just imagine the pitches at Comic Con…

“Imagine Sherlock Holmes in Deep Space!”

“What would happen if an ordinary Foot Surgeon woke up in Dinosaur Times?”

“It’s Howard’s End but with car chases!”

“It’s the first superhero that can solve being gay for people!”

“What if Tarzan was Puerto Rican?”

I sorta miss John Woo but I’m glad he’s keeping his nose out of shitty projects.