Sometime last year, I did a quickie thread about the below fantasy tournament after having just seen Rocky Balboa.  I wanted to know who was the best ever in the entire Rocky universe.  Since this is the kind of thing I would have put in a blog if I’d had a blog back then, I figured what the hell.

Here’s what the CHUD cmputers came up with (and keep in mind, this is boxing only, so no Thunderlips):

The Field (In order of appearance):
  1. Rocky I
  2. Creed I
  3. Rocky II
  4. Creed II
  5. Rocky III-A (Before Clubber Fight)
  6. Rocky III-B (After Clubber Fight)
  7. Clubber Lang
  8. Guy in Jungle Trunks (Lang opponent)
  9. Ivan Drago
  10. Creed IV (Drago Fight)
  11. Rocky IV
  12. Rocky V
  13. Tommy Gunn
  14. Union Kane
  15. Rocky VI
  16. Mason Dixon

Single Elimination Tournament, First Round is random, opponents who have never faced each other:

Tournament First Round:

  • Guy in Jungle Trunks (Jungle)
  • Creed IV

Creed IV is rustier than shit, but Jungle is some run of the mill jobber.

Winner: Creed IV – TKO in the 4th

  • Rocky I
  • Rocky III-B

Good match up here. Both have the warrior
spirit, since they’re essentially the same guy, but Rocky III-B has the
eye of the tiger, the edge. Rocky I will not be denied, but neither
will Rocky III-B, and he’s a tornado of offensive fury that finally
overwhelms his overmatched opponent.

Winner: Rocky III-B – TKO in the 11th

  • Lang
  • Dixon

This is a real gem here. Two heavyweight
champs who can really lay the lumber. And although neither has been
truly tested, Lang is just a beast.

Winner: Lang – KO in the 5th.

  • Gunn
  • Creed II

Another matchup of two champs. Gunn is a
slightly skilled, hard hitting powderkeg who, when he explodes, sends
opponents flying. Creed is the Count of Monte Fisto, a master pugilist
at his absolute peak.

Winner: Creed II – TKO in the 8th

  • Rocky III-A
  • Rocky V

Rocky III-A is the cocky, smooth champ who’s
taken out 10 straight guys and has been living the high life. Rocky V
is a battered, brain-damaged veteran of the toughest fight of the
entire movie series. He starts out strong but somewhere around Round 2,
he forgets what he’s doing there at all and leaves to go find Mick.

Winner: Rocky III-A by default

  • Drago
  • Creed I

It’s the ‘roided-up Death From Above vs. the
Master of Disaster. Here, Creed is the polished, yet overconfident
champ who also makes the mistake of Creed IV in taking the Russian too
lightly. He’s not killed, but the result is the same.

Winner: Drago – KO in the 4th

  • Rocky II
  • Rocky VI

Another matchup of Rockies
here. Rocky II and Rocky VI are both pretty much in the exact spot in
their lives, 25 years or so removed from each other. But Rocky II has
with him, telling him to “Win, Rocky, Win.” Rocky VI is a brooding,
living-in-the-past has-been who hasn’t been in the ring for like 15
years. So although neither is going down no more, it’s:

Winner: Rocky II – Decision

  • Rocky IV
  • Kane

It’s Rocky IV, battle-hardened by training in Russia,
against Union Kane, a hip hop pretender who eases into a title vacuum
by taking out some other contender. This one isn’t even close: Union
vs. Iron? Iron Wins every time.

Winner: Rocky IV – KO in the 2nd

Tournament Round 2:

  • Creed IV
  • Rocky III-B

Superfight IV (we don’t know how the
unsanctioned Superfight III went incidentally, but I’m betting on Rocky
III-B). Creed IV ain’t what he used to be and even though he taught
Rocky III-B everything he knows, Rocky III-B is a pugilistic demon.

Winner: Rocky III-B – KO in the 1st

  • Rocky II
  • Rocky IV

Another gem of a matchup. This one goes the
distance, but Rocky II just can’t put Rocky IV down no matter what he
tries. Plus Rocky IV is a much more polished fighter. The 200 lb tank
can’t run over this piece of iron.

Winner: Rocky IV – Unanimous Decision

  • Lang
  • Creed II

Friends, this is the best one so far. Two
champs at their peak. Although Creed II is a master boxer, he’s simply
overwhelmed by Lang, who doesn’t need anything Creed II’s got no more.

Winner: Lang – KO in the 5th

  • Rocky III-A
  • Drago

Rocky III-A should have spent more time getting serious..a lot more time. You thought Rocky III-A / Lang was brutal? Whoa man…

Winner: Drago – KO in the 1st

Tournament Semifinals:

  • Rocky III-B
  • Rocky IV

Rocky III-B needs every bit of training Creed
gave him as Rocky IV is simply a slab of marble. Both of them go down a
couple of times, but Rocky III-B lands more punches and that’s the

Winner: Rocky III-B – Split Decision

  • Lang
  • Drago

Friends, there’s lumber thrown, and then there’s lumber thrown.
These are the two biggest, hardest-hitting entrants in the tournament.
Lang has steamrolled everybody to get to this point, but he’s finally
found someone even bigger and stronger than he is. Plus Drago is a
better fighter. Lang keeps trying to take him out with one punch, but
Drago lifts Lang up with one hand in the 4th and delivers what he calls
“The Russian Bull.”

Winner: Drago – KO in the 4th

Tournament Finals:

  • Rocky III-B
  • Drago

The best is definitely saved for last. Rocky III-B is as tough as any of the other Rockies (save Rocky IV), and Drago is a Cold Warrior who doesn’t care if his opponent dies or not. This fight isn’t like the fight in Rocky IV.
Rocky III-B starts out with a furious hail of jabs, but like his fight
with Lang, he’s soon cornered by the towering Russian, who is dropping
bombs. But similarly to the fight in Rocky IV, Rocky
III-B gets off a shot to the eye and again the Russian is cut…and
it’s a deep cut. But Drago has more in his arsenal than Lang’s
predictable roundhouses and he keeps the right hand cocked for the big
shots. But he has trouble keeping up with his fleet-footed challenger.
However, when he lands the shots, he lands them good and Rocky III-B is
down more times than he can count.

one goes the distance again, and Rocky tells the Russian his mother
hits harder than he does. Rocky makes the Russian keep missing and ends
with another barrage of jabs, uppercuts, roundhouses, haymakers, and a
couple of kitchen sinks to chop the Russian down. In the end, Rocky
III-B is exhausted but never better and the winner of the Fantasy Rocky

Winner: Rocky III-B