There are many neat concepts in George Lucas’s pre-asshole mini-classic THX-1138 but nothing compares to the little machine that descends from the ceiling to blow Robert Duvall. A delightful robot cocksucker that helps start his day and pull the futurebobbies from him so he can enjoy a stress free day. I think a machine in every house would prevent a lot of violence. I think a machine in every single room (including confessionals, nursery schools, and the room where they brainstorm episodes of Falling Skies) would be the probably best bet though I might get neurotic and start to think the machine finds me less attractive than the last guy who sat down to get computer blown.

China saved the Pacific Rim and now it’s saving ours. An automated sperm extractor has been built and is apparently approved for suckin’ dicks over there. I missed the call for beta testers and I’m glad. You know a few guys found out the hard way that torque can go from amazing to end of days lightning fast. No word on where the sperm goes or if it’s used to genetically engineer a super species but I don’t care, I’m getting sucked off by a droid.


It truly is a magical time for technology and boners.

Sarcasm aside, I am flabbergasted by these developments.