What

follows is a scattershot bit of random thoughts, links, and images that

showcase the lunacy that exists in the entertainment world and beyond.

Folks who remember my old missives from the old Steady Leak articles

should find this kind of stuff familiar. Folks seemed to get a kick out

of the first installment, and each Wednesday should fall victim to

another installment. Don’t expect anything deep here but something may

tickle your fancy.

ASSORTED DUMB SHIT


1. Meathead Meat Massacre Meat Beef Meat Massacre Beefmeat



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


Even the text is on roids. Why someone would want to look like Nosferatu’s slaughterhouse is beyond me, but if it leads to silliness like this I suppose it’s worth it. The best thing since water is definitely the MONSTER WHEELS – QUAD-DAMN!
text. I saw that and froze in time. Nothing has been the same since.


2. If This is Fitness, Hand Me That Meatlover’s Pizza.



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


I didn’t even know ‘Fitness Celebrity’ was a term. I know that Richard Simmons is infamous for being a fucked up being. I know that Tony Little looks like the lost kill in Final Destination 2. I know that Slim Goodbody is only famous because his outsides are in. John Basedow looks like a mannequin with all the personality sucked out of it. He looks like John Waite without all that amazing platinum John Waite-ness. I saw this glowing advertisement and thought The Arrival had happened without my permission and I felt very alone in the world. If you’re wondering where the rats all went, it’s because John Basedow is V: The Complete Series on DVD. Fuck fitness in the hips.



3. I Have Crossed Oceans of Time… and The Food Court.



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


Since when did they allow funeral homes to have kiosks at the mall?



4. Not As Delicious As Guam, Sadly.


Photo
by Nick Nunziata.


I understand lowest common denominator marketing. I understand that to some, generic is better. I do not understand a restaurant called HONG KONG. Hong Kong Cuisine? OK. I am a firm believer that store and restaurant names influence my decision. It’s why I have yet to dine at SHIT TASTIN’ over in Sandy Springs. It’s why I don’t buy bed products at BEAT YOU WITH WOODBLOCK. Hong Kong: The Dining Experience is racist towards whites.


5. Criterion, Eat Your Heart Out.


Photo by Nick Nunziata.


Adam Smallberg is a blind man who graduated with a C average at Trenton Community College. He was not born without sight, but rather lost the gift of seeing when he headbutted a Fanta machine after it ate his nickel. Shards of plastic stabbed him in his eyeballs and his eyesight died. His nickel was never recovered. After a series of part-time jobs at places where eyesight is recommended but not required, Adam found a job at Fox. He now picks titles to pair up on DVD by looking at two that make sense and touching them with his left index finger.

He failed Braille.


6. Minimum Overdrive.



Photo by Andrew Sweeney.


Imagine crossing the street with a bag filled with baguettes and turning ever-so-slightly as a rumbling whir approaches you on the hot tarmac. You pivot just in time to see impending death- the face of an innocent child surrounded by heat and chrome and rubber and grit. You are oblivioned and your last thought is “that child is neither smiling nor forwning”. There is a baby-faced motorcycle roaming Atlanta. This scares me more than a Russ Minshew driven ice cream truck. Unless the child’s face is simply a mark on the bike, like when a grizzled veteran cuts a notch in his belt for every slain enemy.

“I got me a kid with this here bike and it ain’t even kid-hittin’ season yet.”



7. I Like When My Hour Doesn’t Last 1,500 Hours.



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


I demand same day service from my one hour cleaner.

“I have a pair of jeans covered in what I think is malamute blood.”


“Lemme see that sir. That is indeed canine plasma. I have some potions that’ll win it over.”


“Fabulous! I’ll just go over to the Starbucks across the street for an hour or so.”


“Hold the phone, motherfucker. What kind of one hour cleaner do you think this is?”


“But… one hour is what it…”


“What, you have some hidden camera. Is this some kind of Punk’d? You come in here…”


“Why are you pulling a plank from underneath the counter. It says ‘One Hour” on your door!”


“Either come back in November for your bloodless pants or die from insane trauma now!”



8. Et Tu-Wheeler?


Photo by Nick Nunziata.


What the fuck is happening to me right now?
























By the way:



























“I wave at the mailman when my hands don’t have sandwiches!”


Message Board Thread.