Vampires suck. Literally, figuratively, and slurpily. Speaking Swedish does not exempt you from this rule, film villain. If you’re a vampire, get out of my movie cause you’re boring the shit out of me and my high maintenance horror audience.

Back when I gave a fuck, I interviewed some vampires to get a bead on what made them so goddamn slow and hard to be afraid of. As it turns out, they are an annoyingly sensitive bunch. It’s all “tortured innocence” this, and “oh, the beautiful hunger” that. The only exciting part was after the interview when I staked their hearts, thus fulfilling my community service demands.

But there was one vampire who really stuck out. His name was Louis de Pointe du Lac, and I found his story remarkable because it was by far the longest and most self-important. It hurt so bad to sit through his seventeen days of thriftstore goth fibs that I just had to share the experience with the movie going public. The role of Sam Strange was played by Kuffs, by the way. You can see the resemblance in our glasses.

Way back in the 1970’s, Louis was a Renaissance Festival performer whose wife just ran off with the blacksmith. A gay vampire by the name of Lestat de Lioncourt, gets the hots for him, and the two swap blood. After this, Louis de Pointe du Lac becomes a vampire, doomed to bore the earth until I killed him one late night in 1988.

The honeymoon ends quickly for these the two bloodsucking hunks. Lestat de Lioncourt wants to kill people, but Louis de Pointe du Lac has not lost his conscience and would rather eat rats. They have a lot of hissy fits and, like many retarded couples, decide that having a child might sew the rift that has grown between them since they met 24 hours ago.

It doesn’t work because the kid they choose is a royal bitch. She wants tits but can’t have them because vampires are meant to be as androgynous as possible. This is why all the male vampires in this movie have long hair and no penises. She does prove to be a ruthless killer, though. Because Louis de Point du Lac loves her, he agrees to kill people too. He also buys her sweets and lets her watch Spongebob, while Lestat de Lioncourt enforces a strict regiment of piano practice and ridicule regarding her no-tits. Clearly we have a nice mom/mean mom situation brewing.

One night, she convinces nice mom to help her murder mean mom. They do this by tricking mean mom into drinking blood from dead people then cutting his weakened throat. Apparently, vampires have a rule against killing each other, so the vampire police come and kill the little girl.

This leaves Louis de Pointe du Lac without friend or direction. But not for long. Turns out, they didn’t kill Lestat de Lioncourt enough and he makes a grand return. Because the vampire police killed a fellow vampire for a crime she didn’t commit enough, they all have to kill themselves. Our two lovable vampires live happily together until Lestat de Lioncourt runs off with his new love, Fabio de Bonerfillah. That’s pretty much it. The end.

In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have made this movie. In forcing the audience to share my pain, was I really behaving any differently than Louis de Pointe du Lac? It did teach me a valuable lesson, though: do NOT try to boss around Tom Cruise. He is a bird that must be allowed to fly. If only the makers of Speed 2 had gotten my memo…

(three stars)