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STUDIO: Anchor Bay
MSRP: $16.99
RATED: NR
RUNNING TIME: 82 minutes






 

The Pitch


With some time on his hands to kill, a murderous Hungarian chef stops by a sorority house and orders up a plate of shitty movie.



 The original concept for Leave it to Beaver’s June Cleaver character was
deemed too much of a ghastly joke of 1950’s audiences.


   
The Humans

Kit Paquin, Mark Hengst, Penny Drake, Nina Fehren, Makinna Ridgeway

The Nutshell

A gaggle of giggling sorority girls proves no match for a sadistic Hungarian chef in The Cook, a low budget slasher flick from Anchor Bay’s direct-to-video folks.  Kit Paquin stars as Bunny, the thoughtful, studious sister who comes face to face with the sinister, deranged Cook (Mark Hengst).  Will the sisters make it out of the house alive before they realize that their friends are systematically being murdered by their chef, who then feeds the remains back to the girls for dinner? 

The Anchor Bay slave stable provides an endless supply of talent
for their DTV releases.


The Lowdown

Oh my God, I can’t.  I just can’t.  These direct-to-video crapfests are just killing me.

There’s really nothing much to say about The Cook, other than that it’s a mindless, purposeless piece of trash that might appeal to indiscriminating frat boy retards or Anchor Bay completionists.  This is not to say that all trash is bad, or that The Cook is in any way vile, violent, or repulsive- some trash can still be really great entertainment, and I always love watching films that push the limits of bad taste to the edge- it’s just that The Cook serves no purpose whatsoever.  It’s just a horrible waste of plastic.




His methods might have been a little unorthodox, but Dr. Pucillo was one
of the best Ear Nose and Throat guys in the whole of Cleveland-
who was Tabby to complain?.

First of all, if you’re going to make a low-rent cannibal cook movie, at least have the brains to go all out and make it brutal.  Go over the top with it.  Throw in some pig entrails.  Try and make it memorable.  The Cook’s gore effects are cheap and laughable; when this gruesome gourmet kills a sorority girl, we’re treated to quick cuts of the killer slicing what’s obviously beef or chicken on a kitchen cutting block.  It isn’t shocking or gross at all, and is a wasted opportunity for what could have been a nice slasher film.

Story wise, The Cook reads like this:  

1) Cook kills someone who wanders into the kitchen for a midnight snack.  Nobody hears the screams, as the kitchen is ostensibly soundproof.  Cut to-

2) Meaningless and seemingly unconnected scene involving the girls.  They talk about college life, boys, and getting high.  

3) Repeat.

That’s all there is to it.



Otto the Cattle Baron was renowned for cooking the most thoroughly
taunted beef in Germany.

There’s a funny scene where a group of girls are sharing a pipe while sitting on a bed, and one of them feels the ridiculous need to telegraph what they’re doing to the audience:  “Boy, I sure do love smoking weed!”. 

Indeed.

I can’t go on like this.  Overwhelming pain.

Those even mildly interested in movies about college deviants or slashers won’t find much to like here.  It’s much lighter than anything you’d be able to find on Showtime.  If I could say anything positive about the film, it would be that Mark Hengst’s killer cook is at least gleefully along for the ride- His oddball facial contortions and bizarre outbursts seem to conjure a sexier, homicidal version of Weird Al Yankovic, and while it’s good to see someone having fun with this move, please don’t take that as an endorsement.

If you’re going to watch a cannibal movie, then go gross yourself out with Cannibal Ferox and let this weak shit rot on the shelf.


The Package

The phrase “A perfect combination of low-brow dorm room humor mixed with gratuitous horror appealing to very commercially relevant fan bases” appears on the back of my screener copy.  This does nothing to bolster my hopes that The Cook is a cannibal chef movie with a modicum of artistic integrity. 

The video transfer on my copy wasn’t great, but the audio was a sturdy 3/2.1 Dolby Digital, which was surprisingly robust given the overall shittiness of the material.







1.0 out of 10