He’s just a drunk. But not to worry: drunks like riding in grocery carts and freaking out to awful Spinners songs, too.

Meanwhile, fans of mental handicaps will be pleased to learn that the director of this Hoosiers/Rudy/Radio hybrid is Fred Durst (at least, he began production as the director; whether he finished seems to be in doubt). As for why the tough-as-nails frontman of the greatest rock band ever (including Saga) is calling action on some kid-friendly bullshit like The Longshots, I guess it falls under the “Fucking females is for poofs” philosophy.

The Longshots is based on the true story of Jasmine Plummer, who, at the age of eleven, became the first girl to quarterback a team into the national Pop Warner tournament. She’s in high school now, and, shockingly, she’s not playing football anymore. I don’t know if she was really encouraged by her lush of an uncle who could’ve been the next Walter Payton, but these underdog stories are always embellished. I mean, do you think the U.S. Olympic hockey team really beat the Russians in 1980? No. They got their asses handed them and lost the bronze to Finland because Mike Eruzione showed up to the game shitfaced. But who’s gonna pay to see that again?

MGM and Dimension will roll out The Longshots on July 25th. You’ll be too busy doing an X-Files/Step-Brothers double feature to notice it’s playing to empty theaters.