Look, Fox, I realize we’re not on the best of terms, but you know how I feel about Space Chimps. Not since Kenneth Lonergan’s Margaret have I so revered a film in theory. To quote one of the several thousand emails I’ve sent your way, “It looks nothing like Lucky Number Slevin.” So what’s the big idea of premiering the official one-sheet at Cinematical? I call in multiple favors to finagle Tom Rothman a lifetime subscription to Jet, and this is the goddamn thanks I get? Bridges were torched for that shit. I had to take Keith David and David Keith down in a back alley fistfight just to get the final okay from circulation.

I’ve sat here staring at a blinking cursor for hours, pondering the repercussions of stealing Cinematical‘s exclusive for my own peace of mind, but my inner Ben Bradlee won’t let me sell out my professional ethics. “Two sources, Jeremy.” Evidently, my inner Ben Bradlee thinks I’m still running wildly inaccurate rumors about the dubious quality of that new Tennessee Buck movie.

I’m a broken man. But I still believe in a world where the system works. Ergo…

It is with a heavy heart that I ask you to click here for the full image. I never had any friends like the ones I had when I was twelve. (Pause. Begins typing again.) Jesus, does anyone?