It was such an obvious idea. The fact that it took 1,990 years to come up with it makes me ashamed of my own humanity. You’d think Homer or Shakespeare would have stumbled upon it first, but nope, it was me. Hollywood collectively slapped itself on the forehead and fired its assistants when I pulled this one out.
Kevin McBanister (played by breakout star, McCracky Crackin) is the middle child in a family big enough and modestly rich enough to rent and fill their own commercial airplane for a trip to France (where some chicks don’t shave their pits). Some of his family members are more memorable than others. For instance, there’s Buzz, played by a grown-up Randy from Pee-Wee’s playhouse. Then there’s Kevin’s older sister, Bitch Who Thinks She Knows French. There’s the kid who wets the bed; I think his name was Pepsi. And finally there’s his Uncle Jerk, who considers Kevin his protege. Whenever Kevin does something Uncle Jerk is proud of, he praises him, “Look what you did, you little Jerk,” and a tear rolls down his hound-dog cheek.
Kevin’s an entitled little brat who acts like a victim, so the family locks him in the attic and “forgets” him the next morning as they hustle their way to France. He wakes up to find his mansion is completely empty of assholes. This is a new concept for him. For the first time in his life, he can take a dump without running the faucet to mask the noise.
For the next few days, Kevin does everything healthy pre-pubescent male audience members only wish they could do. He looks at Playboys, he watches R-Rated movies (from the 1930’s), he eats a plate of ice cream so big that the first scoop has melted by the time he slaps on the last scoop, he shoots firecrackers, he shoots BB guns, he shoots a cat with a BB gun then blows it up with a firecracker, and he seduces his hottest teacher.
This could go on for hours and it would already be the best movie ever made. But my name is Sam Strange, and I don’t fuck around when it comes to adolescent fantasies.
See, after having his fun two things happen. One, Christmas draws near and Kevin realizes that no family means no presents, so he starts to miss his mommy. Two, a pair of robbers think his house is empty and plan to rob it. If Kevin can grow a pair and deal with #2, he’ll be too cool to give a fuck about #1.
The robbers are named Tweedledum and TweedleonlygoodinMartinScorsesefilms. When they find out the house they lust for is one smart ass ten-year old shy of being empty, they decide to go ahead with the robbery anyway because hair in funny places = power.
Kevin knows they are coming. He puts to work an impressive understanding of physics, carpentry, and pain as he booby traps every inch of his house. If Tweedledum and TweedleLethalWeaponIV want the McBanister’s 27 VCR’s, they’re going to have to pay for them with blood. There are flying paint cans, blowtorches, floors covered in micromachines, broken Christmas ornaments, hot irons, and spiders.
The night of the showdown arrives. To steel his nerves, Kevin goes to church and takes spiritual advice from cinema’s most heroin addicted Santa. Then he heads back home and prepares for the blood bath to begin.
Sadly, the first thing he booby trapped was the door. If anyone tries the handle a shotgun blows their head off. This is the first thing the robbers try. Instead of going through a kid vs. adult house of horrors, they buy it without feeling much pain at all. Disappointed, Kevin slaps his hands to his cheeks and screams. This sets off his sonar-based weaponry and twenty rigged slingshots fire ball bearings into Kevin’s skull.
Moments later, his worried mother finally comes back home accompanied by John Candy. She sees the carnage and the scare it gives her sets off Kevin’s brigade of fear homing spiders. Mr. and Mrs. Candy are dead before they even hit the ground.
The next day two cops show up. They trip over a wire which causes two bowling balls to swing from the ceiling and smash their heads together.
Ronald McDonald shows up. He heads to the kitchen for a Pepsi, but Kevin had the microwave set to run with its door open. This kills poor Ronald both instantly and slowly.
Only one person is capable of surviving this house, Santa. But because everyone who belongs to that house is either dead or in France, he skips it entirely.
Authorities try to blow up the house, but Kevin’s Lego S.W.A.T. team diffuse all the bombs. They try to kill it with missiles, but his defense system shoots them out of the sky before they can strike.
Out of options, they simply build walls around the house and tell local children to stay away because Santa’s evil twin lives there and he’ll eat your soul. This works.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!