Where
the author tells you of the many things out there that make him want to
become a master thief with an exceptionally large basement to hoard the
myriad material things worth owning and loving.

Good
day. The love of consumption is a shameful yet glorious thing as
evidenced by the many odd and showy collections many of us have in our
homes whether it be things we now regret [my 40 long boxes of comic books I’d part with for a pittance] or the ones we wear as badges of pride [my neatly organized and alphabetized to a “T” DVD collection].
Some folks say that these kinds of material things ruin us and make us
slaves to pop culture and for many it does. For others like myself,
some stuff whether frivolous or not, simply must be gotten. For those
people, I present this new subcolumn.

This week’s theme: TAKING CARE OF YOUR BUSINESS!



1. To Groom Man.

I’m a greasy Italian-American [Translation: Fuckin’ Wop Cocksucker, ‘cept I got MY papers] so I grow hair like it’s going out of style. Which it IS apparently, judging by all you palefaces trying to fight back the bald with chemicals, ointments, Boston Red Sox hats, and combovers from the brink of madness. I have hair in places even hair doesn’t go and as some of you have discovered, once you shave something there’s a sweet fleeting relief before the hair comes back mature, darker, and with a whole bunch of its hairy cronies. I have to shave my eyes now.

So I own an assortment of fine products whose only purpose is to pulverize, slice, or intimidate the hair off of my person. Sometimes I win and I emerge from the bathroom 50% less Yeti and sometimes I lose and just hope that the people at the DMV are animal lovers.

Sometimes I say “fuck it” and let the hair overtake me like the Creepshow sludge.

I have shaved my back. I have and I will again. There I said it…

But I have never, will never, could in a million years of servitude in a world of follicular oppression never fathom a product like MANGROOMER to have become such a force in the business of hair hate like it has. It’s amazing. From their unbelievable marketing:




Stuff they edited out of the ad:

[1.] SLEEK FOR A BACK SHAVING APPARATUS. AND HEY, IT LOOKS LIKE IT MEANS TO FUCK YOU IN THE ASS AS PART OF ITS DAILY REGIMEN. IN FACT, IT’LL SHAVE YOUR ASS WHILE IT FUCKS IT. YOU’LL HAVE A CLEANLY SHAVED INSIDE OF THE ASS!


[2.] PERFECT FOR PEOPLE BORN WITH SHOULDERHANDS!

[3.] BECAUSE YOUR BACK LOOKS LIKE THE SET OF FAREWELL TO THE KING.




Stuff they edited out of the ad:

[1.] ADVANTAGES VS. WEREWOLFING.


[2.] ADVANTAGES VS. CHEMOTHERAPY.

[3.] FUCK SPELLING DISPEL, WE ARE MANGROOMER!




Stuff they edited out of the ad:

[1.] MANGROOMER IS A CHEAP DATE.


[2.] MANGROOMER IS A GOOD SHORT-TERM NIGHTSTICK.

[3.] A BALD BACK MAKES IT HARDER FOR HITLER TO REINCARNATE..


Nicky’s Trivia:

  • No messy clean-up with the MANGROOMER as it comes with a special attachment that catches the hair and transports it directly to the eyebrows of Eddie Money.

  • Anyone caught using MANGROOMER in public wins an all expenses paid trip to Big Daddy Don Garlits’ Museum of Drag Racing.

  • Women seeking to abolish the hair atop their Venus Mound, may we suggest the WOMANGROOMER?

  • Always assume the buzzing sound and moans of pleasure behind closed doors is your loved one MANGROOMIN’.
BUY THIS HUNK!


2. The Name is Ban. Ray Ban.



Are you pierced and with poor eyesight? Well you are not alone you outcast with a chip on your shoulder! Imagine doing away with the horrible and uncomfortable thing known as eyeglasses and their constricting and peripheral vision hindering apparatii! No more struggles to remember which way they go and the embarrassing way they sometimes slip down the bridge of one’s nose, making the user look totally nerd.

Pierced Glasses are glasses you can wear and flip up from their location directly in your flesh! Imagine using your own punctured real estate for something more productive than rebelling against that time when Mom wouldn’t let you go to the mall with Ralphie without doing the dishes. Plus, when you’ve got nine rings going through your labia walls nothing says “I care about my future” more than eyeglasses that stay in place.

I like piercings just fine. They can be very sexy and they allegedly can make your parts tingle just right if the location is suitable. I also like glasses. They make people look smarter, hide silly curvatures in the face, and provide an aristocratic air that really gets my juices going.

Let’s just hope no one invents prescription lenses you can apply directly to the eye!



Nicky’s Trivia:

  • Industrious ladies will attach these to their clitoris hood backwards to make gynecological exams more efficient.

  • Goes well for the life mates of people who have the eye chart tattooed on their troubled and angst-filled back.

  • It is unwise to rip these off dramatically to prove a point unless part of the point involves your skin pulsing on the countertop.

  • From the inventor of the less successful flip-up anvil product!

  • I have my car key ring pierced to my hardpenis. Driving has never been better. I crashed once…



3. Just When You Thought Flying Couldn’t Get Creepier.

Have you ever been buckled into your uncomfortable seat on an airplane and wondered “the only thing keeping me from the lap of relaxation is a zippered bag that encompasses me”? Well, get your knickers in a bunch, because Posh Air has created sleeping bags for the sky! That’s right, another layer of restrictive clothing to make your strapped hustle through the atmosphere that much more amazing. You’re welcome!

When Ulysses S. Sleepingbags invented what he called the ‘My Bag’ he had no idea what a phenomenon he was kicking into reality. As many of you know, the bag itself provides the comfort. Not being able to stretch out in a safe contained area or having a padded respite between your soft skin and the hard ground of a campsite. Simply the act of entering a zippered bag is what makes it so luscious. It’s why they don’t let Death Row inmates get electrocuted while in a sleeping bag. The comfort overrides the current. The result: Survival and Smiles.

So, lucky you! You’re on a plane traveling from your favorite place to Rwanda’s murder fields and you need something to keep you from becoming crestfallen. I mean, you’re about to witness multiple machete deaths and there’s a 450 pound man next to you alternating between vomitfarting and belchpissing.

All you need is bag.

Surround yourself in a pillowcase/straightjacket and enjoy your flight! Don’t mind the lack of cool air and the rising stench of your own boiling lower sauces. You’re in a bag!

Nicky’s Trivia


  • Stop crying.

  • For an additional $3 they’ll just zip you up inside, beat you with iron bars, and send the bag directly to the morgue and save you years of misfortune and unkept promises.

  • If the plane loses cabin pressure and is breached, enjoy falling through the sky in a bag.

  • Goes well with their product, the Biking Bag. Because who wants to pedal?

  • Jogging bag? Amazing.



4. Drink Nosferatu’s Slaughterhouse!





Japan sucks. We should probably bomb it again.

Well, once they get the new Final Fantasy game [I think it’s called Cacophony of the Crestfallen Valkeries of Sadness and Tumultuous Undershining] done. But then for sure.

They have salad flavored water. Bottled by Coca-Cola.

We should probably bomb Coca-Cola. Shit, we ARE Coca-Cola. They’re the new fifth branch of the military. Shit.

We should just bomb ourselves.

Nicky’s Trivia:
  • Officially yummier than Pepsi’s Diet Foreskin.



  • There’s nothing more refreshing than popping the lid and hearing the relaxed sigh of Caesar.

  • Drinking salads is nothing new, but only Coca-Cola makes drinking a salad really peppy.

  • This is the only six-pack you’ll ever have.


DISCUSS THIS COLUMN!