First let me go on record by saying there is no way this happens. There is no way little flying “octocopters” are going to zip around the world dropping packages at our doorsteps. Not in this lifetime. There are simply too many things that prevent this dream from becoming a reality. Amazon has announced their drone initiative: flying electric machines that will deliver your purchases in 30 minutes rather than the current two day policy associated with Amazon Prime. That effectively means that instead of illegally downloading a copy of Lyle Alzado masterpiece Destroyer and waiting the ten minutes to download it you can have the VHS tape Skynetted into your hands in thirty. Or, if you just did a dirty thing and then broke both legs and are a trapped individual you can have your morning after pill delivered to your front porch, saving years of guilt. I want to pitch a movie where a guy is holed up in a safe house that isn’t safe and when he knows the attackers are coming he has a set of steak knives delivered by an Amazon Drone that arrives just as they’re about to finish him off in the front yard. The box falls! He grabs the knives! He kills everyone! We waves goodbye to the blood-spattered Drone as it flies home to the warehouse. He pulls dick as he watches the copy of Wild Things that it also shipped.
Amazon Drones. And Jeff Bezos ain’t kidding. He’s working with the CIA and the FAA and probably NWA and making sure this all happens. It’s not the first time such a concept has been used for commercial use but it’s certainly the boldest. Drones are a part of life now. I think I saw one a few weeks ago, though it could have just been a white bird with a GPS and propellers. Amazon’s goal is to make them that much more vital to our consumer lives and while there are surely hiccups, it’s not a horrible possibility if handled right. The amount of gas usage saved is a great thing. I’m sure many of you are like me when they see giant semi trucks and all sorts of delivery vehicles all around the thought of how much energy they consume comes to the fore. There are too many cars out there. There’s too much driving, period. Especially as we get less and less safe. Our cars have collision sensors and rear-facing cameras and amazing airbags but they’re countered by us NEEDING to check Facebook as we whiz past an intersection. Safety loses. One of the true benefits of this Drone idea is that it will inevitably cut back on fuel consumption. Especially if it causes us to skip driving to the mall for that impulse item we need TODAY, instead waiting the half hour for Airwolf to hum by with its prize. That is something I can get behind.
I don’t see it happening though. Whether it be the safety risk, the would-be terrorists creating fauxdrones with Amazon cartons filled with napalm, or just the logistics of creating a truly next level development for the way society behaves. Personally, I’m fine with a few Drones landing on a few heads if it means I can play MLB: The Show 14 without leaving the comfort of my ass.
Well at least it’s healthier than eating Domino’s.
Here’s their best case scenario video that does not include vandalism, birds, pesky neighbors, dogs, angry UPS employees, or a falling goddamn pinecone that ruins everyone’s afternoon:
It’s not April Fools, people. This is backed by seriously deep pockets and a serious chip on a shoulder to give brick and mortar retailers AND 3rd party delivery people a stern paddle to the ass. As this develops get ready for a whole mess of concerns and questions we thought we’d only see in science fiction.
What do you think?