This week I’m going to follow the lead of the books and break this recap down character-by-character. There will probably be some spoilers.

~Ned Stark~

Ned shows up in Kings’ Landing looking like someone rubbed a wet dog on him and some guy is like, “you have a meeting with the most powerful political figures in Westeros, might you perchance to change your clothes?” Ned wants to murder him, if only to get messier somehow. He then runs into Jamie, who spent the same amount of time traveling The Kingsroad, but looks way hotter. Like WAY hotter. He’s also lounging in front of the iron throne, posing for whatever the version of Playgirl was back then. The two talk about their favorite subject: murdering each other. The discussion naturally turns to other murders they’ve witnessed or done. For Ned, its the immolation of his father and brother at the hands of “The Mad King,” which took place not too far from where either of them are standing. For Jamie, it’s the murder of “The Mad King,” which also happened not far from where they’re standing. At one point, Jamie basically apologizes for having worked for TMK when Ned’s brothers were being set on fire, telling him he thought of that moment when he slid a knife into his back. Ned’s like, “whatever you have to say to make yourself feel better. I already have all the friends and political allies I need, right King Ralph? Umm…Ralph?”

Ned then drags his weary ass to the meeting with the rest of the members of the King’s council, sans the King. He meets Lord Varys (a eunuch who deals in information), Grand Maester Pycell (the bad guy from The Last Crusade who aged real fast), Renly (the King’s fabulous brother) and Littlefinger (Carcetti). They tell him the kingdom is in debt for 6 million doubloons, but King Ralph wants to hold an expensive (bowling) tournament in Ned’s honor. Ever the savvy politician, Ned yells at everyone.

Things are no better at home with the kids, who keep harping about some dead wolf situation. Who can remember? But Ned’s a good dad who knows how to solve problems, so he buys Sansa a doll she’s too old to play with and teaches Arya that swords are cool.

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~Jon Snow~

On The Wall, Jon is learning the difficult lesson that being the fanciest bastard in an army of fuckwits isn’t all its cracked up to be. His commander won’t compliment his ability to vanquish stable boys and rapists, instead dubbing him “Lord Snow,” the medieval version of a slam. Tyrion, ever a fount of brutal wisdom, reminds Jon that he was probably fighting kids who’ve never held a sword before, which makes Jon the medieval version of a cyber bully. Luckily, Jon finally recognizes that Tyrion was trying to warn him away from this army-jail, and decides to make the medieval┬áversion of lemonade out of these frozen, convicted lemons. So he teaches them to sword fight, the medieval┬áversion of Instagram.

~Daenerys~

On that side of the world with all the tall grass, Viserys is really mad at Dany for some perceived slight, so he smacks her. Suddenly, one of Dany’s guards rolls up with a whip and cracks it around Visy’s neck. Everyone wants to kill this assblood, but Dany shows him mercy, and forces him to walk away, even though his jeans are now covered in grass. Embarrassing.

One of Dany’s handmaiden ladies touches her boob and intimates that she’s pregnant. Since it’s the olden times, everyone believes her immediately. Also, she’s right. Dany is confident that the baby will be a boy, and you can see some of her side boob. You can see Drogo’s entire boob.

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~Cat~

Cat arrives in Kings’ Landing on the same day as Ned(?) and is quickly whisked away to a brothel owned by Littlefinger. Women usually love brothels, especially the ones that work there, but Cat hates them because Ned cheated on her one time. Littlefinger and Varys (also there) explain that she was taken there because they’re both sneaky dudes, and that her presence would be noted/questioned pretty much immediately. Most importantly, Cat finds out that the dagger used in the attempted murder of her son belonged to Littlefinger, who lost it in a bet with Tyrion Lannister.

~Tyrion~

Getting drunk on The Wall, peeing off the side of The Wall. The higher-ups in The Night’s Watch want to use Tyrion’s political and financial pull to get more men to join The Watch to protect it from ice-spookies, but Tyrion ain’t fraid of no ghosts. He is, however, the greatest, so he grudgingly agrees.

~Bran~

Gets told a spooky story.

~Arya~

Ned gets Arya a sword instructor who likes to dance and thinks his arm is a sword. It’s the best. Ned watches as the lesson goes on and though the two are fighting with wooden swords, he hears the clash of steel. It’s sick.

Sorry everyone, this was a little half-hearted this week, but I didn’t want to miss a week. We’ll come back strong with “Cripples, Bastards and Broken Things”!

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