Back in March, an article ran in the LA Weekly called “How to Get Divorced by 30.” It endorses, in my opinion, a rather odd worldview, that people ought to have a sort of test-run marriage that will prepare them for a legitimate one later on.
I’m not sure how serious the author, Sascha Rothchild, really is about this premise, but she explains 15 steps that she experienced before and during her first marriage that ended, naturally, in divorce shortly before she turned 30.
Assuming she does mean what she says (she does mention that this method worked out for her parents), I can’t help but take issue with a couple things. The point she makes is that using the first marriage as a test will allow you to get the naivete and bullshit romantic bullshit out of your system. She feels this is a suitable substitute for using the ole noggin to try to avoid (emphasis on “try”) those types of emotionally-scarring situations.
Rothchild feels that — What? You want to know why the fuck I’m writing this shit? Jesus Christ you’re so goddamn demanding! I’m going to get to the point eventually! Alright, alright! Jesus! Universal bought the rights to the article so they can make a fucking movie out of it! It’s going to be about a girl who tries out the trial marriage thing only to realize it’s bullshit (thanks, Variety)! There’s no writer yet!
You fucking happy now? Did I give you what you want? Shit, that’s all you ever do: nag, nag, nag. Aww, baby, don’t start crying. I said DON’T FUCKING START CRYING! Wipe those tears off your face right now! God, I didn’t hit you that hard! There’s hardly any blood!
Alright, I’m calm now. I’m sorry about that; you just make things so difficult sometimes. Just think about the positives. Think about how happy you’ll be once you get to divorce me after we get married. And don’t think you aren’t going to marry me, bitch. I’m doing you a fucking favor, letting you use me as your trial run.