Tiny Horses Couldn’t Drag Me Away.
But you know they’d TOTALLY try to. As some of you know, Miniature Horses are in vogue these days. Small vogue, but vogue nonetheless. Little equii with two things on their tiny minds:
1. Being small.
2. If possible, being smaller.
You know who is uncomfortable with this arrangement? Dogs.
Dogs have lobbied heavily to be the small warm thing at our sides for centuries. Despite opposition from cats, pigs, hamsters, and oddly enough… the Rhino.
This is a slap in the muzzle to dogs. A way of saying “don’t be thinking you’re the only thing in town worth nuzzling my tripod in the early morning light”.
As human beings we’re all about customization. We tamper until something is just right. Smaller. Larger. Whatever it takes. That’s how we attained critical mass with places like Sam’s Club. My life is not complete without my oven-sized container of Saltpeter. Or, if you are one of those people with a nancy dick, you can have it growed up by science. Adversely, I just put a down payment on the new Sony TV that is so miniature you have to die and become a poltergeist to see the screen.
I know that whenever I see a horse galloping in a field really far away I wish it was actually galloping a lot closer but at the same size. A miniature horse solves this need. A lot of people like horses around, but not physically. This solves that need. They’re so small you can barely seahorse.
People show these animals in competitions like they do dogs. Or their children.
They parade these hoofed carnies around knowing full and well that the only burden this beast can carry is its own sadness and failure. A little horse with nothing to offer except something to get on top of when you need to get something off the bottom shelf. Poor little horses. Too big for Barbie but too small for Henry Thomas.
These horses live outside the fabric of reality but they are not magical beings. They are laughed at by satyrs and centaurs and were-lynxes. You cannot create midget magic. It has to happen on purpose.
Thankfully they can be used as guide dogs.
Oops.
– Nick Nunziata screams low-ho Silver! before riding off into the sunset.
And now… a brand new Mary Worth War Strip…
All apologizes to the creators of the strip. This intended as parody only and not an attempt to be the best thing ever.