What
follows is a scattershot bit of random thoughts, links, and images that
showcase the lunacy that exists in the entertainment world and beyond.
Folks who remember my old missives from the old Steady Leak articles
should find this kind of stuff familiar. Folks seemed to get a kick out
of the first installment, and each Wednesday should fall victim to
another installment. Don’t expect anything deep here but something may
tickle your fancy.
1. Driving and Crying on the Inside.
A car with “MPANTS” as a license plate is enough. It truly is. But to have a HEART right in front of MPANTS takes it from the world of the bizarre to the kind of fucked place that only exists in Crispin Glover’s night terrors and in fictional Coca-Cola vending machines. What in the unhealthy unholy makes a broad advertise her love of MPANTS on her fucking Ford Focus? They could afford a custom plate but not a better car? It’s like having a fancy knocker on your motor home! Enough about that. Let’s wonder what MPANTS could mean.
1. There’s an unfortunate man out there named MPANTS. Not that I think MPANTS is a bad name for a guy. It’s great, but if the woman you’re going to be fucking for the next thirty years actively sought out a maroon Ford Focus you’re a dreary swinging dick.
2. They sold a car to a retard.
3. MPANTS is slang for something. Holy fuck, what if this chick’s into Maternity Pants. What if she’s got that horrid middle-aged belly some women get, that menopaunch. Fucked!
4. She’s a typical Georgia high school graduate and couldn’t spell MY PANTS.
2. Better than Nook.biz and Crannies.gov?
There is a business devoted to crawlspaces. Their tagline is “We fix ugly crawls”. I could stop there. I should stop there. I wonder if the Post-Birth Abortion Company’s gonna have to change their tagline now?
3. Eat this and die.
What the fuck (product link) builds the gall in a corporation to invoke cheeseburger flavored eggrolls on a society (thanks for the link Justin, no really… THANKS). Who ever ate an eggroll and thought that the only thing missing from this greasy Asian product was some greasy American product? You never see me tossing in some bamboo shoots onto my pizza, do you? You know why?
Because I never let you watch me eat.
4. It has infected us EVERYWHERE.
I went to a pizza place and saw this sign. At a pizza place. A pizza place with good food. They also serve booze. Why in the name of Art Carney’s bloated remains do we need fucking Guitar Hero seeping into the most cherished corners of our lives? It’s bad enough to see these zombies joylessly playing the damn things at stores all around this nation, now this cute little curiosity at best permeates into pizza joints? Fuck you, Guitar Hero. You’re nuthin’.
5. We can ill afford another Columbine.
I live in a somewhat affluent section of town, but only because I’ve lived here since before it was affluent and they can’t get me to leave my land without me and my shotgun taking a few of them with me! I graduated from high school in 1990 and we had police come by now and then but we didn’t have a police force with their own branded high school police cars. There are thousands of high schools in America. What, maybe ten of them have shootouts? Do they need their own police force? Drugs are a problem in schools? Sure they are. So are dumb fucks. So’s sexual abuse. So’s the fact they don’t teach the proper way to suck my dick. But come on…
6. The evidence is palpable.
That’s MY HAND. I bought this movie sight unseen. Not for $24.99 mind you. My Borders rewards balance got it for $10.99, but still. I own this movie. And I don’t like Donnie Darko. What the fuck is wrong with me?
By the way:
“My tooth’s are pasted!”